My 'New Moon' Experience/Vampire Transformation
On Friday, November 20, 2009, The Twilight Saga: New Moon set domestic (USA and Canada) box office records as the biggest midnight screening and opening day in history, grossing an estimated $72.7 million in its first day.
This is how my New Moon experience went down:
Monday 11/16:
I swing by Fandango.com and pick up two tickets to New Moon in anticipation of a sold out show.
[Background] My girlfriend, Bella Jess, is a vampire big fan of Twilight--she loves Stephenie Meyer and polished off all four major arteries books in a heart beat.
I decide that the second installment of Twilight aka Vegetarian Vampires is entitled to the "royal treatment." The decision's easy. I opt to go with the all-new XD Extreme Digital Cinema digital auditorium at Cinemark West Plano, formerly known as "Tinseltown" (Plano, TX).
Tuesday 11/17:
I wake up. [Ouch!] My teeth are strangely sensitive. I temporarily discontinue the consumption of all cold/hot foods and beverages. I throw on my "walk-it-off" attitude. My car has turned into a 2010 Volvo XC60 overnight. Great. I've always wanted to give Volvo's City Safety System a run for its' money.
Wednesday 11/18:
My skin is pale and ice cold. My eyes are no longer blue. I feel unusually strong. I stop an oncoming car completely with one hand and save the life of a 60-year old woman. Our eyes meet. We have a "moment." She offers me her Social Security pension as gratitude. I tell her it's my job to protect her. My teeth are killing me. I take the money.
Thursday 11/19:
I feel like Tom Hanks in Cast Away. I'm a Christian. I turn to God for help. This isn't His battle to fight. He says He's kept my teeth sparkling clean and cavity-free for 22 years. He's sitting this one out. I'm screwed. Desperation kicks in. I "cry wolf." Not even Sensodyne can help me now. My teeth really #$@%#%& hurt.
Friday 11/20:
The "transformation" is complete. I'm a vampire. I have razor sharp teeth. My dentist is never going to believe this. Thanks a lot "Fangdango."
Jess and I try to locate a pair of empty seats at what appears to be a Taylor Swift concert. The curtains open. The crowd goes wild. "It takes many calls to make a movie, and only one to run it." My iPhone and I enter "silent" mode. The 3 million girls in the theatre do not. I feel like a mute watching An American Werewolf in Paris.
I watch as mothers cling to their young in an attempt to restrain them from lunging at the XD screen at every glimpse of a vampire and/or werewolf. I doze off. I regain conciousness just in time to see Kristen Stewart catch a non-stop flight to Italy on a Virigin America vessel. Interesting--Virgin America doesn't offer flights from Seattle to Italy. She's riding in a yellow Porsche. Vampires sure know how to drive. Dakota Fanning's there. She did her makeup without a mirror. I'm worried. Who's watching Wilbur? The curtains close. The crowd goes wild (again). I'm utterly confused. I ask Jess what she thought. She liked it. Where was I?
If this historical movie release taught me anything, it's that the emotional, high-pitch shrieks of 13-year old girls are significantly more detrimental to your health than even the most agonizing discomfort inflicted by the fangs of a pale-as-a-ghost, blood-sucking, 21st-century vampire.
As far as rating goes, I'll give it a half moon.
What did you think of The Twilight Saga: New Moon? Leave a comment!
Thanks!
Magnus
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