My story
I am the youngest of three sisters. Ann was born first, in 1974, two years after my parents had married. Two years later Amy was born, completing the family. Or so my parents thought. In 1978, little Emily was born - their ‘little accident’.
For the first 10 years I have mostly happy memories. My parents were loving. My sisters were - well, they were what sisters are! Wonderful, fun companions who were also total pains in the bum! We got along and argued in spurts.
But while I was loved and secure, I was also intensely shy and fearful. I didn’t believe anyone really liked me. I was very quiet, especially in school, where I felt on the outside of everything, and completely alone. At the time I would not have been able to put it into words, nor even know that there was anything unusual in the way I felt.
I have struggled with a fear of rejection for most my adult life. In the past few years God has revealed to me that it’s source is in that innocent little phrase of my parents. Though I never doubted they loved me, when they told me I was an accident, somewhere in my childish brain it registered as I wasn’t meant to be there, and if I wanted to stay I had better behave. Over time I came to believe that no-one really wanted me, and any mistake, and imperfection on my part would lead to immediate rejection. I was so afraid of getting it wrong - anything wrong - that at any moment my family or friends would realise that they really didn’t want me around - that I stayed quiet and self contained. That way I could reduce the risk of making a mistake. If I didn’t speak - I couldn’t say the wrong thing. If I didn’t join in the games, I couldn’t make a mistake by winning or getting the rules wrong.
Of course, kids don’t realise these types of things. Instead of making me safer, the quieter I was, the more I became a target for bullies. And their apparent dislike of me just confirmed in me that I wasn’t likeable - that there was nothing remotely loveable about me, and that if I only existed by accident, I was tolerated only on sufferance.
My parents were not Christians, but both had had Christian teaching in their childhood, and had, for reasons I’ve never fully understood, decided to send their three girls to Sunday School. So each week we were sent off to the local Gospel Hall where we were taught Bible stories and sung songs of worship. It was fun and I never questioned why we went without them.
When I was ten my world changed.
I began having really bad dreams. Perhaps you would call them nightmares. Mostly they centered around a fear of dying. I was suddenly aware of mortality. But the dreams were also about rejection. I remember one dream vividly - in it my mum had had another baby, but my parents were split up, divorcing. I could see my dad, with Ann and Amy, walking up the street towards our house; on the otherside of the road, with my mum and a pram with the new baby, I walked away from him and our house. The sense of separation was severe and painful, and I woke up crying.
After that dream I remembered what they had told us in Sunday school - that if we believed in Jesus we would never die. I was afraid of dying, and the dream of my parents had upset me alot; so I figured if Jesus could save me so that I would never die then it was worth giving it a go. I told Jesus I believed in him and wanted him to save me.
Immediately my bad dreams stopped, and while my fears of rejection didn’t disappear, I did find a security. I knew that Jesus loved me. Not only that, but Jesus knew absolutely everything about me - therefore he couldn’t suddenly discover that actually I was an accident and not meant to be here! He already knew, and he still loved me! He wouldn’t be shocked to discover the times I was naughty or made mistakes - he knew about them too and still he loved me! Here finally was one person I could totally trust, to never reject me, never stop loving me. Here, in Jesus, I learnt security and unconditional love. I trusted him completely, as I had never trusted anyone. And I knew his love for me in a deep way, a way I can’t put into words. None of this was rational thought - it was simply a deep knowing in my centre, of love and security. Only years later would I understand what Jesus had done for me.
It seems, as I look back, that that summer of my 10th birthday was the last moment of peace in our family. After that, the days went dark. I didn’t tell anyone I was a Christian for another 5 years. Not many months after my decision to follow Jesus my mother suffered her second mental-breakdown (her first having taken place just after her marriage); we moved house to get away from abusive neighbours; I changed schools, starting high school, which was not a good experience for me; my sisters were growing up, going through teenage years of transformation, and relationships were strained. Later there was complete relationship breakdown between my mum and Ann, while Amy became increasingly angry with the world.
What perfect timing from God, that I should understand his love for me, just as the world got a little bit more crazy. I am so grateful for his amazing love!
My idea that I was unloveable hadn’t gone away, and over time grew worse till I really disliked myself intensely. I still had few friends and continued to be bullied. I know that throughout the next ten years it was God holding me close, protecting me, that prevented me from going down blacker paths. Whenever I reached such low points I would hold on to him, as the anchor in the storm. No matter what the rest of the world thought of me, or how I perceived it - he was always there.
I finally told my family I was a Christian when I was 15 and in hospital, recently diagnosed with cancer. After that point I started going to a local church, having Christian fellowship for the first time and getting regular teaching. I began to grow and mature as a Christian at last, beginning to understand what before had been mere instinct and response to Jesus. Over the years since then he has continued to love me and to lead me into deeper relationship with him. And lovingly, gently, he has whispered to me that the thoughts that I am unloveable, only a moment away from rejection at any time, are lies. These lies have controlled me for 30 years now. But I am confident that Christ has one the victory in my life, and in him I can be free from the lies, eventually. His love has brought me this far. He has given me identity, purpose and security. I know that soon I will also be completely free.
Just because you’ve finally hooked up with someone, doesn’t mean anything has been solidified or any questions have been answered. In fact, the love sesh may have raised even more questions: was it good? Was it just a fling, or were there feelings involved? Is it going to happen again? Should you regret it? Does he regret it? Can you go back in time and pretend it never happened?
