Pooping is a part of all of our lives. It's a stinky little skeleton in our closets. It's certainly no secret that everyone poops, but most people do their best to avoid talking or thinking about it. Today, I am going to brave the harsh norms of society and say, loud and proud, that I poop. I'm already regretting beginning this post because my imagination is running wild with thoughts of scenarios of who will be reading this, but please, I beg of you, have an open mind. This post is not meant to be foul, crude, or offensive. I am merely addressing a common bond that we as the human race share. So I ask you for just a moment, suspend your prejudice, become comfortable with yourself and read on as I journey into the world of dookie.
My Relationship with Poop
If pooping and I were in an offical relationship on Facebook, it would most certainly be labeled "complicated." Sure, we've been together for a long time. We've helped each other through some rough spots and had some fun, but frankly as often as I've loved pooping, I've hated it.
It all starts when you're an infant. You're small, fragile and you can barely move on your own, let alone hoist yourself up to the porcelain pony.
So what do you do? You crap in that villainous contraption called a diaper. You might be thinking: "Well Danny, whats wrong with that? You can poop on the go, someone cleans up after you. Pooping as a baby was great!". To this I exclaim, "Bull----!". Pooping as a baby had to be one of the worst times to be part of the pooping population. I'm sure you can see where I am going with this. I mean seriously, you're stuck in your own poop. Your poop is literally strapped to your body. This sounds more like a form of torture than a valid waste management procedure. Not to mention the fact that diaper rash really hurts. Don't believe me? Try wearing a scratchy t-shirt and then jogging a mile and tell me how your nipples feel. Thats basically the same thing as diaper rash.
Arguably these previous negatives could be attributed to the invention and misuse of the diaper not pooping. Fair enough. Let's move forward, out of infancy and into childhood, adolescence and adulthood. At this point you finally have advanced motor functions, you can poop where you please and when you please. Pooping seems pretty natural throughout childhood, like a fat kid on a slip and slide. You spend a minute on the pot, produce turd, and you're done, but somewhere along the line, things get complicated.
Pooping as an Adult
Taking a dump really starts to get troublesome as you get older. Despite the fact that you look forward to pooping because it allows you to get out of work or school for 10 minutes or so, it seems your body, specifically your rectum, has worn down. Poops become more difficult. All of those easy, enjoyable poops you took as a kid start to seem like a fantasy or a dream world. Poop begins to turn on you. Now occasionally you'll have a poo that will leave you with painful discomfort, or one that simply shocks and appalls you with what your body is capable of. You begin to enter the bathroom afraid and unaware of what dangers lurk ahead.
"When the pooping gets tough, the tough name their poop."
An interesting phenomenon occurs as pooping proceeds to become more of a hassle. As consistency (and either definition of this word works here) of your poop diminishes, types of poops begin to pick up nicknames. Let me list some of the more frequent poop "styles" here:
- Pebbles and Bam Bam
- The Green Apple Splatters
- The Squirts
- Snakes on a Plane
- Beer Shits
- The Panzerfaust
- The Runs
- Luqishits
- The Green Mile
- Rocky Road
- A Loaf
- Ect.
Most of these names were carefully developed to accurately define poops that had unpleasant qualities. Consider " The Panzerfaust”, which shoots out like a rocket propelled grenade, or “Pebbles and Bam Bam”, this poop drops out like a handfull of jagged rocks. As far as I know however, only one name has ever been created for a pleasant poop. This rare but wondrous poop is called “The Magic Poo”. This term was devised to describe a miraculous event that happens only infrequently in a poopers career.
“The Magic Poo”
A “Magic Poo” is considered to have occurred when an individual takes a poo that comes out so smoothly, so effortlessly, and so cleanly that, after wiping they realize that there was no need for the wiping at all. The “Magic Poo” gracefully leaves the body ridding you of waste and leaving no residue behind. Why make such a fuss over one little poo you ask? Because it's a most glorious event! When a man or women goes to the bathroom to drop a log it becomes a game of Russian roulette, except it seems that in pooping the gun has 5 bullets in the chamber instead of one! A “Magic Poo” allows you to avoid the “uncomfortable afterwords” of an unpleasant dump. A “Magic Poo” sends you merrily on your way without any pain, sorrow or dingleberries.
Poo, Meet Me in Death My Friend.
As many of you may know, sometimes when an individual dies from a traumatic event, they release their bowels. Even at death's door we bring with us Mr. Brown, our constant companion.
An Ode To You Poo
Poop, you have relieved and terrified us. Your legacy has created countless dirty jokes, several ingenious devices, a home for the teenage mutant ninja turtles and a whole world of mystery and intrigue for those curious about their excrement. Whether you are loved or hated, you will never be forgotten. From you, we can never escape.
Thank you for reading. If you have any names for poo, good or otherwise, that I have not included here, please by all means make a comment and I will add them. I hope I have not offended or appalled anyone. Poo on brothers and sisters, poo on.
Dan
