Oooh damn! That hurts
Verdammt ich glaub ich kanns knacken hören =)
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Chronicles of a fractured mind: Sunday
Today is another day when I wake up wishing I could just sleep through the day. Later I am going to get some booze to try to drown out the voices in my head... I struggle with the evidence of my life...I try to drown them out with noise but my lonliness is too deafening.. strangers on youtube are kinder to me.. give more to me than those who know me... it makes it worse cause how come those who know me can't even send an email saying how am I doing.. I am turning inwards.. unable to ever let myself get close to anyone again.. new people try to talk to me but I cannot get close to anyone again.. I am too wrecked inside... See not anyone can cure the lonliness, it is the people who are in your life.. the people.. fuck I don't care anymore.. I need to drink excessivily... until I feel nothing inside...it is the only joy I have...
Chronicles of a fractured mind - Saturday Night
Good world.. she still has not written.. I think it is me.. even though I do not know what I could of said.. but when your me you always start and end with you...cause it is always me that is the problem.. I do not have the courage or self trust to be able to call out someone else.. or maybe doing that would mean truths I am not ready to face... maybe I do not trust myself but the cruel truth of all is I have to wake up tomorrow and go through the same self doubt and madness all over again...
Chronicles of a fractured mind - Saturday part 2
If they had drugs you could take to stop all emotion in me I would likely cure cancer.. the hardest part of depression is the time you lose.. and the fact people don't ever understand what depression is... they think it is how you think.. the same people who don't think you can change cancer.. think depression is not real. It is an illness you fools.. emotion makes us all do things.. well what if you had a wterfall of emotion like on a teater totter and what if it went back and forth.. and you were a slave to it.. well that is how depression works for me.. one second I can conquer the world.. usually when I fall asleep.. and in the mornings I think I am the most worthless person in the world.. and you spend the whole day trying to get back to believing your worthwhile... but then it is time to go to bed and your usually locked in the grips of your vices.. I just feel like giving up.. cause I am never going to be normal.. I am never going to be able to have a relationship... my madness has gotten worse with age... because it is harder to trust life.. harder to find a reason to fight... for a man the best years of your life are when you were young and agile.. and being physical meant something but as you get older their is no point... the thrill of life is gone.. there are no more battles to be fought.. the romance of the world is lost..
Chronicles of a fractured mind - Saturday
I know she is really busy and that is why she doesn't write much.. 4th year law and she is always like this during exams. Locks herself away from the world but it hurts still. Why doesn't she just say hey I am busy for the next few weeks.. but I don't know how to express my feelings on this because I don't know what is right or wrong.. I don't really have any self confidence in that matter.. reltionships of any kind stress me out.. I wish I did not feel lonely.. the mornings are the worst.. the way I wake up and one event can shape my day.. how before it starts the day is determined. I want to go back to bed but I have to get up.. my back hurts.. from laying down watching movies but I can't face life.. it is too much..so today will be another day lost to the claws of madness in my fractured mind. they call me igebadia and I suffer from depression
Daily Gasp 11.14.09
It's now 3 weeks and counting...
When it started all sorts of things began running through my mind..
- What is it?
- What's causing this?
- Is it something serious?
That's where YOSAKIME comes in. YOSAKIME is my surrogate 5 gallon can-o-whoopass! Yeah that's right, the 5G COW! And I have no problem with whipping out the can opener and letting it all out on anyone who is equally unrestricted when it comes to polluting the air environment we ALL have to access. Healthy, clean air is basic to life. Smelling pretty is not.To that end, I'm unleashing my inner designer. This is, after all, one of a Creative Information Architect's multifaceted tools! I am creating a series of visuals designed to GRAB the attention - or the lapels if necessary - of anyone seeing them. They are not meant to be for humor, though many will find them humorous. This is serious stuff. As serious as the next breath I take, may be the very one to set me into a 3-6 week of pain, interrupted life, lost work, family and personal time and more. I want people to be intercepted, educated, protected and reflected when the images are put into the public view.I live with the isolation. So, YES!... it's personal.I will be releasing more information about the YOSAKIME Project in the next few days on our Twitter, Facebook and YOSAKIME Ning Community. Of course,I will also place them here on the YOSAKIME blog. So, for now .... to deal with the pain, I continue to take copious amounts of Ibuprofin™. I know many reading this would say that taking any of the muscle relaxants is a dangerous dance. I do agree. But without it I cannot concentrate. I need to concentrate to get my work ... what little I have of it I can garner ... done. If I said how much I was taking, I'd probably get intervention emails and phone calls.
Save them for those who SHOULD read them.
- Send those emails ... to friends, relatives, co-workers, employers, government officials.
- Send them to all those people who are currently THE PROBLEM.
- Send them to all the people who carelessly go about their daily grind, with the mindset that people like me - and many who would read this - have nothing wrong with them; that it's just all in our heads.
- Send them to the manufacturers who disregard, daily!!, the warnings concernng their products in favor of profit.
What about FREEDOM TO LIVE WITHOUT CHEMICAL BARRIERS ??
Tell them "Your Smells Are KILLING Me!" ... and them, too...!!! Like the pain... the saga continues. 'Til the next Gasp, stay clean, safe and ChemFree.NEW 'n INTRODUCED TERMINOLOGY
... you heard it on YOSAKIME first! CPCs (Chemical Pollution Components) ... Yes, this is new. No wonder you've never heard of it, right? I have coined it to describe those activators - invisible and largely undetectable by our five senses - but, which are the catalysts of our suffering. I have not found this term used online or in any conversations I've read in other MCS or related literature. I introduce it here to begin a conversation about this, the baseline origin of the MCS problem. 5G COW (5 Gallon Can-O-Whoopass) ... The term 'How'd you like me to open a can-o-whoopass on you?' has been popularized by a number of 'Country' oriented comedians and the same genre-mentality on many Internet conversation venues. It may sound a bit crass - and I'll admit, it is. But it's a case of fighting fire with fire. Really though, it's no more crass than the beautiful people wannabes who swagger all around the planet fumigating the rest of us with their CPC laden 'beauty washes/douches/pamper oils/lotions/colognes/perfumes/sprays... gag, gag, sputter...gasp.. etc. The 5G COW is what YOSAKIME is unleashing on those who choose to be polluters of the air we all have the share. Get prepared... order your can now so you're ready when next you need it. Or, if you're a CPC engine - you'd better get ready to feel the pain. 'Cause, Baaabyyy! - there's a can of 5G COW just waiting for you, with your name on it. I guarantee-damn-T-you.
MAYO CLINIC PROCEEDINGS: VITAMIN D DEFICIENCY UNIVERSAL AMONG MINORITES WITH CHRONIC PAIN
This month’s Mayo Clinic Proceedings have two important articles about vitamin D deficiency and chronic pain. Both the lead article and the lead editorial discuss the association of vitamin D deficiency and chronic pain. For reasons that are not clear, neither article has yet been posted to PubMed by the National Library of Medicine, nor reported in the media.
Dr. Plotnikoff, of the University of Minnesota Medical School, measured calcidiol [25(OH)D] levels on 150 patients who presented to an outpatient university clinic with nonspecific musculoskeletal pain. They discovered that 100% of the Black, Hispanic, East African and American Indian patients with chronic pain were vitamin D deficient. 93% of all the patients were vitamin D deficient with young women in their childbearing years being at the greatest risk for misdiagnosis or delayed diagnosis. Dr. Plotnikoff (along with co-author, Ms. Quigley) recommended that screening calcidiol [25(OH)D] levels become standard practice is all such clinics. (Plotnikoff, GA and Quigley BA; Prevalence of Severe Hypovitaminosis D in Patients With Persistent, Nonspecific Musculoskeletal Pain; Mayo Clin Proc. 2003:78:1463-1470
Go to http://thevitamindactiondigest.blogspot.com/ to view my blog: The GrassrootsHealth Vitamin D*action Project Review & Digest
I think i'm in like with you.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
—I Corinthians 13:4-8a
Love is a simple 4-letter word that in itself invokes all and every emotions recorded in the feeling dictionary. To say love isn't patient or kind or jealous is short of its true power. Love, transpires to create anger, lust, confusion and even pain. Thats not to say that love, is purely breeding out the negative side of a human, but infact its actions and reactions to love .
Love is hunger, Love is getting full, Love is simple , Love is complicated.Simply, Love is an abyss of the human body , mind and soul.
Depression 101: Slave to your emotion
I made this video about depression and how often it is like a domino effect.
This was a comment made by a tuber: "Seems like you understand the way your mind works and your thought processes...I think having that knowledge should be able to help you overcome it.
Because you know that you think that way, so when you chose the "wrong" option, you should make yourself think about your thought processes and then counter that 'wrong' thought with a more probable healthy thought.
Then with practice, overcoming small things, you can eventually overcome the bigger things and live a more relatively normal life"Sadly this is all too often the belief when it comes to depression. Here is my video response to that comment. They call me igebadia... http://youtube.come/gebalove http://cybersweetness.com
I do not want to fall asleep...
Here I sit at 10 am in the morning. It is time to go to bed for me because this is the pattern my life without a job has taken. I have 2 months left to find my way back to the emotional stability to find a job that pays $2500 take home a month or bad things will happen. People look at me and think I am fine. The tree only falls in the forest when we see it fall. They do not see the inner struggle inside. The way I reduced my world to places, things and actions that will not cause me emotion. How I never listen to music, some movies I cannot watch and outside is a place that terrifies me. It is crazy right. What sane person would act such ways? But I am not a sane person. I am a man who looks at everything with fear... always asking is this a variable that will lead me to that very, very dark place.
