I've just got back from a session with my g/f and therapist. Here's the nuts of it:
- My g/f's mantra change has been forgotten. This highlighted an area where she forgets, lots of things to do with us that she doesn't either want to recall, have interest in, or see the importance of remembering. I suggested she keep a journal - much like I'm doing here.
- We need to both focus on the positives for each other and ourselves - and obviously try to identify and make note of the negative thoughts, to try and realise where they come from and how to start changing our thought behaviour.
- My g/f has lost all faith of trust in me: be that organisation, cooking, emotional, navigation, sense of direction, everything. In fact its really hard to see if she can rely on me for anything.
- We discover that my g/f is making decisions not to include me in activities which may involve having to spend time with me
In the last few minutes of the session, the final point was raised.
- I need to keep working on my organisation skills
At this point. I kind of cracked and went off on one. Firstly it pisses me off that I'm the one having to do all the work towards 'change' and making our relationship better. It feels like my g/f can just get away with saying nothing the whole session, flipping the focus on to me (who talks) and therefore getting the brunt of the counselling. At the mention of me 'keeping my assertiveness up' and 'working on my organisation skills', I just had to stop everyone and say something.
My organisational skills are fine, my assertiveness is fine - that isn't the problem. The problem is my g/f is way more organised than I am, and way more assertive than I am. I am not abnormally disorganised. We are unbalanced, that's all. Look at it from my point of view.
Your partner is planning everything, you don't even get a chance to think of things to do, so much is happening - this continues for a very long time, eventually you just go along with it - you stop trying. You are given the easy life of all the planning, organising, and thinking done for you. All you have to do is turn up. I am guilty of that. That was my biggest mistake - if I had realised what it was doing to our relationship I wouldn't have let it. I didn't realise. But here's the equaliser: she didn't realise either.
The end result of our mutual 'confusion' - is I have to change. I have to organise more. I have to be more assertive. Fine I'm happy to do that. I will contribute to my 50% of relationship confusion by fixing my part.
Now over to my g/f. She needs to fix her 50% of relationship confusion - the bit that caused me to sit back and coast along with the wind, not giving a shit because everything was being done for me. She needs to stop organising everything - me, her and us. Currently there is no room in her life for me. I'm squeezed out. And the only way it appears that I can get back in to 'be more assertive'. That's bollocks.
The way to let me back in is to address her obsession with organisation. She has organisation OCD... and I can prove it.
Directly after the meeting today, we'd walked down the driveway to her car, and she made it clear she has tomorrow night free. Great, I say I will organise something. She then tells me what would be suitable examples to organise: going to the gym, the cinema or playing badminton. She didn't even realise that she was effectively telling me what to organise! Talk about the power of suggestion.
That annoyed the hell out of me on the drive home. She's organisation crazy. These sessions has highlighted her lack of faith and trust in me to do anything. We'd just walked out of therapy and she's already forgotten. When I get home, I turn on my phone and find a message from her which says:
'If you want me to make plans for us tomorrow evening instead then let me know and I'll be happy to do so :) ' wtf??
Zero memory, zero trust, zero faith, 100% organised - that is my girlfriend.
Now go back and remind yourself of the last point of our session - the one that fired me up and got me ranting: 'I need to keep working on my organisational skills'. Really? how about my g/f working on her OCD?
How do I get out of this? I'm caught between a rock and hard place. I love my girlfriend to bits, but everything I do, or don't do, paints me in a bad way. My current thought is not to do a damn thing. To swing the whole thing back round to her, what she can do to help herself and what I can do to help her help herself. Forget about me, I'm not the problem here. I'm the easy target for my g/f that can't and won't focus on herself. My flexibility, my willingness to change, my patience isn't helping 'us' in the slightest atm.
I need to focus on supporting her, she needs to release control, challenge her trust issue and realise that organisation 24/7 isn't practical - in fact its damaging - more to her than me.
