In high school, most of the students, especially the minority students, loved to hang out in Mr. Harris's office, our magnet school's occupational therapist. He was a great counselor to us, always gave us a chuckle and help most of us get through the process of getting accepted to college. One day in my senior year, Mr. Harris had a chat with one of my current best friends, another friend and I. He briefly showed us a group photo of some girls that were also seniors and had jokingly asked us if they were the "it" girls. I chuckled. Our magnet school was one filled with lots of cool smarty pants kids--most of our student body was full of future Ivy Leaguers, in-state and private university scholarship recipients and other forms of brainiacdom so we didn't have the heavily delineated social castes that other high schools had. I couldn't say for sure if these girls were the "it" girls, since everyone at our school seem to have cliques and all the cliques didn't seem to mind mingling with others cliques.
He then asked us if these girls were who the boys liked. I knew that they were the girls who tended to date athletes and older guys, but none of my friends, all very pretty in their own right, had trouble with boys asking them out either. There did seem to be a line between dating an academic guy versus an athlete though. However, many of our academic guys were considered attractive (and a few were also athletic) just as some of the athletes were. Anyway, he then proceeded to say that it didn't matter if they didn't ask us out because many of the boys would be sorry, and will hope to have someone like us in the future. He basically surmised that they would "all come back" in one way or another. I didn't really believe or completely pay attention to his statement at the time; I was on the edge of seventeen and not really concerned with what a boy wanted or didn't want. I was so excited to be moving away and starting college soon, a new chapter that most young people look forward to.
More than ten years later, every single ex-boyfriend and others that I will elaborate on later have "come back." I do not mean in the cute way that you reacquaint yourself with friends of both genders from the past on social media sites such as Myspace, Twitter and Facebook. In that way, I have "virtually" reacquainted myself with hundreds of people that I went to school with at some point and time. Many were friends back then and some were even enemies with selective memories now seeking to be my new best friend. Many shared old photos and laughs with me and the whole reminiscing experience was fun. How interesting is it to know someone from childhood, then see them post their graduation, travel, maternity or child's photos, and we then take a step back to look at our emotional, spiritual and physical growth? It's great.
No, unfortunately that is not what I am referring to in this case. What I mean is that guys that I have dated and not dated seem to think that because we are approaching 30 (I just turned 30 in August) they have to fill their Erik Erikson's Stages of Psychosocial Development - Stage VI** quota ASAP. I now call it a quota because it seems to be the way that some guys are approaching this critical developmental stage: "Intimacy vs. Isolation."** For some of these guys (some already divorced), they are watching their friends marry off and realizing that they have squandered their 20s away as far as romantic relationships go--bludgeoning the heart and spirits of many women along the way and manage to still think that they deserve some magical love story that will start promptly on their 29th, 30th or 31st birthday. This isn't a clinical assessment or even an assumption, this is an observation and for some, the exact words out of their mouths. Now who am I to say someone does not deserve love, despite what they have done in their past? That is not what I mean at all in the previous statements. What I mean to say is that they will not be receiving it from me.
One ex I have not seen since 1999. I am not joking. He contacted me through Facebook and said "hey, I would love to say hi, can I call you?" You would think after every single other ex contacted me (he was the last left to do so) and having to advise them that I am not interested in picking up where we left off so that they would meet the criteria necessary to oneup their friends or meet their personal goal by their 30th birthday, that I would take a hint. However, sheer curiosity lead me in this case. He had mentioned that he was trying to find an old mutual friend of ours. Later that same night he called. He was not trying to find an old mutual friend. He then divulged some faint memory of listening to music with me as "one of the best times in his life" and it took all of my might not to laugh. He brought up some other memories, and I just sat there on the phone stunned. We were very young, freshman at the time, and the relationship was emphatically shallow at best. He knew it and I knew it. Yet he continued to progress in the conversation, leading it with this lie. He asked if we could go on a date. I declined. It's entirely too odd for someone to call after 10 years and ask for a date, especially when they follow the first question with "what are your hobbies?" (People on Twitter who are complete strangers know what my hobbies are and he doesn't.) Further into the conversation, he revealed that his last relationship didn't work out and it actually ended two weeks prior to the conversation that we were currently having. Ah...and there was my answer. He was turning 30 the month that he called me, just ended the major relationship of his twenties and was sizing up his life. If the American dream or a person's personal dream includes the house, wife and first child by 30 and the person's behavior for their entire 20s were actions contrary to those needed to make that dream come true--well they would have to make up for lost time, right? Why not call an ex from a decade past? Perhaps he called all of his exes to to see who would bite. I politely let him know that I was not interested in anything beyond a hello here and there on Facebook. After the call and another email exchange, he then followed up with an email packed with insults. I deleted him from Facebook. I've also received emails that do not ask but demand to know if I am married (I don't post a relationship status on any site...I mean who cares, other than if I were married, I see no reason to change the status), having friends contact me for them, pretending to be interested in my photography or travel, feigning interest in psychology, or doing whatever it takes to reach their goal, regardless if my feelings are trampled on or not.
Between my 28th and 30th birthday, in total, my 4 ex-boyfriends, 6 men that I never dated but went to secondary and/or post secondary school with, 3 from elementary or middle and many strangers (or "sort-of acquaintances" via social media) have come to me with the same swiss cheese full of holes, connection or re-connection proposal. It is not genuine interest from the "sort-of acquaintances" and past schoolmates or "undying, unyielding love for me" from the exes that are their driving motivations. Believe me, I am not saying that I am so special that someone will die if they are not with me. In fact, it has nothing to do with whether or not I am special. It is one of three impulses that are the motivation: fear, entitlement or competition/oneupmanship. For some it is fear. I could hear the fear in their voices and read it in their emails. The desperation that I've seen is frightening and unnerving. They are throwing out feelers and trying to see what will stick. For others, it is an entitlement to what they feel a "good woman" is, despite how they have treated other women. They have publicly destroyed other women's lives and seem to think they can move on to me. I am not interested in being someone's victim. For the rest, they are competitive. Their friends have the house, corporate career, wife, and baby or are working on a baby. Some have even mentioned Obama's name to me, so I mention the next statements with purpose. Their friends seem to have what the Obamas have, and the Obama marriage is idolized by many. But see, they fail to read Obama's books and watch interviews where they actually discuss their marriage. It takes work and having a life that "looks" like the Obamas' life is not the same as putting in the work to build a strong relationship. In several interviews, they have alluded to the work that it takes to build a relationship. I suspect that these guys ignore the interviews and view the happy photos instead. This is not to say that every guy who approaches me is this way. On the contrary, I am speaking of the specific ones I accounted for via number or anecdote. Certainly, every guy doesn't operate this way. However, I and several of my friends' have experienced what I speak of in this post.
Any time you want to achieve a goal and it doesn't materialize right away, fear can surface. I've felt just as afraid when grad school became difficult (time-management wise), I was tired from daily life and thought I would not finish, or when I tried to complete another goal, things got in the way and I felt that "time was running out." But if a goal involves another person, such as dating/marriage, perhaps some consideration for that person should enter the picture. Everyone makes mistakes, I certainly have, but these behaviors that I describe are not mistakes, but instead are complete methodologies for behavior and action. From my experience, I can surmise that women are not the only ones that may have the fear and desperation that can surround the desire for marriage or the life associated with it. What bothers me is that for some people, this desire seems to come from feelings of entitlement and the desire to compete with/oneup friends. I guess Mr. Harris's hypothesis was right. They "all come back." I simply had no idea that it would be like this.
Note: People have repeatedly brought up two points concerning this: 1) What if God sent one of those people to be "the one." My reply: I do not believe that someone is sent to be "the one" with intentions like what I described above. They may have a purpose...a lesson for me to learn, but I do not accept that someone with cold or selfish motivations like this is "the one." 2) Isn't some element of competition between men normal, such as wanting the "best person" to reproduce with etc. My reply: Perhaps, but the ones I speak of are competing with 1040 line items--I am not sure if the biological complexities that are involved in choosing a mate are heightened in the ones I mention--no more than a man who chooses to pursue a woman he is actually interested in beyond the realms of the "quota."
** I don't seek to oversimplify a complex psychosocial theory. In stage VI of the Erik Erikson model, an individual faces the "conflict" of intimacy vs. isolation. This is whether the individual will have the ability to create healthy intimate relationships with others, and includes "partnering" up. So when I make the inference of the "quota," what I mean is that some seek to slap a partner in a slot and call that "intimacy" when true intimacy with another human being is more than just romantic relationships and the capacity for intimacy is deeper than finding anyone to "fill a slot" in a hurried fashion. Read more on the Erik Erikson model.
