I am headed to bed in short order. Maybe even to wake up before the appointed hour of noon... Oh, who am I kidding, I'll lie there until some silly moron comes onto the Internet screamingly wrong. SOMEONE WILL BE WRONG ON THE INTERNET!!!1!! I must fight them.
Today is another day when I wake up wishing I could just sleep through the day. Later I am going to get some booze to try to drown out the voices in my head... I struggle with the evidence of my life...I try to drown them out with noise but my lonliness is too deafening.. strangers on youtube are kinder to me.. give more to me than those who know me... it makes it worse cause how come those who know me can't even send an email saying how am I doing.. I am turning inwards.. unable to ever let myself get close to anyone again.. new people try to talk to me but I cannot get close to anyone again.. I am too wrecked inside... See not anyone can cure the lonliness, it is the people who are in your life.. the people.. fuck I don't care anymore.. I need to drink excessivily... until I feel nothing inside...it is the only joy I have...
Thereupon King Solomon on a certain day, as he was returning from the pursuit of hunting with his huntsmen and many leashes of dogs, passed by before the lodgings of Marcolf the fool. When he had been told by bystanders that the lodgings of Marcolf the fool were there, he turned off there with his horse and, with his head bowed under the lintel of the front door, asked who was inside. Marcolf indeed, sitting by the fire and keeping watch over a pot full of beans, responded to the king: "Here inside is a man, and half a man, and the head of a horse; and however much more they rise up, by that much more they sink down." To these words Solomon said: "What is this that you are saying?" Marcolf responded, "I am the whole man sitting inside; you indeed are the half man, sitting outside upon your horse and looking inside; the head of the horse is the head of your horse, upon which you are sitting." Then Solomon said, "Who are those rising up and sinking down?" Marcolf: "The beans boiling in the pot."
Solomon: "Where are your father and your mother, your brother and your sister?" Marcolf: "My father is making two losses out of one loss. My mother indeed is doing for her neighbour, what she will do no more for her. Moreover my brother, sitting outside the house, is killing whatever he finds. Finally my sister, sitting in her room, is weeping over her laughter of the previous year." Solomon: "What do these words mean?" Marcolf: "My father is in his field and, wishing to block the path of passersby, puts thorns on the path; and the people coming make two routes, and thus he makes two losses out of one loss. Indeed my mother is closing the eyes of her dying neighbour, which she -the neighbour- will do no more for her. Moreover my brother, sitting outside the house in the sun and holding his clothes in front of him, is killing all the lice he finds. Finally my sister in bygone times loved a certain young man, and now pregnant, she weeps over what she then laughed about, among frolics, soft touches, and corrupt kisses."Good world.. she still has not written.. I think it is me.. even though I do not know what I could of said.. but when your me you always start and end with you...cause it is always me that is the problem.. I do not have the courage or self trust to be able to call out someone else.. or maybe doing that would mean truths I am not ready to face... maybe I do not trust myself but the cruel truth of all is I have to wake up tomorrow and go through the same self doubt and madness all over again...
If they had drugs you could take to stop all emotion in me I would likely cure cancer.. the hardest part of depression is the time you lose.. and the fact people don't ever understand what depression is... they think it is how you think.. the same people who don't think you can change cancer.. think depression is not real. It is an illness you fools.. emotion makes us all do things.. well what if you had a wterfall of emotion like on a teater totter and what if it went back and forth.. and you were a slave to it.. well that is how depression works for me.. one second I can conquer the world.. usually when I fall asleep.. and in the mornings I think I am the most worthless person in the world.. and you spend the whole day trying to get back to believing your worthwhile... but then it is time to go to bed and your usually locked in the grips of your vices.. I just feel like giving up.. cause I am never going to be normal.. I am never going to be able to have a relationship... my madness has gotten worse with age... because it is harder to trust life.. harder to find a reason to fight... for a man the best years of your life are when you were young and agile.. and being physical meant something but as you get older their is no point... the thrill of life is gone.. there are no more battles to be fought.. the romance of the world is lost..
I know she is really busy and that is why she doesn't write much.. 4th year law and she is always like this during exams. Locks herself away from the world but it hurts still. Why doesn't she just say hey I am busy for the next few weeks.. but I don't know how to express my feelings on this because I don't know what is right or wrong.. I don't really have any self confidence in that matter.. reltionships of any kind stress me out.. I wish I did not feel lonely.. the mornings are the worst.. the way I wake up and one event can shape my day.. how before it starts the day is determined. I want to go back to bed but I have to get up.. my back hurts.. from laying down watching movies but I can't face life.. it is too much..so today will be another day lost to the claws of madness in my fractured mind. they call me igebadia and I suffer from depression
I was at some weird version of uni. My high school friends Cathy and Sue-Ann were there. We went to this new cupcake place, except they weren't really cupcakes but more large, soft tarts. I had two flower-flavoured ones - a lily one and something else, like mimosa.
We were all sitting on the cold marble floor in the eatery. I couldn't find my bag and books. Later, Sue-Ann and Cathy left, on bikes. Cathy's seat was too low.
I went back to the cupcake place by myself and there was a flute and viola da gamba recital on. I saw my parents in the audience, and another classmate Andrea. She was wandering around talking to people but I was too shy to do so. I got two hot chocolate drinks - the second for free because I told them they'd never given me my first one, but it appeared in my hand as soon as I went to the counter to tell them I'd been waiting for twenty minutes.
I then got a letter about postgrad study at Melbourne University. I had an appointment to see someone there. I turned up, in a burgundy skirt, a white blouse and a tie, which a woollen pullover. My hair was long and thick again. My friend David H told me to put down my hair as the interviewers would like it better.
I found my way to a building, apparently the postgrad building. Two lecturers were arguing and looked like they might get into a fist fight on a stairwell in the building.
I found where I was supposed to be and met other interviewees. They were nice, funny and into science or commerce. They kept getting awards there and then. One of them asked me for my name and address and for some reason, I put my name down as 'Pusspusskin'. Apparently I was going to stun the judges in my interview by saying my gimmick was to relate structuralism and naturalism to everyday life.
The interviews were finished and I was found a bed in the postgrad building. I woke up and went to go to the bathroom there but there was a cute Japanese girl camped out, watching a telly. I was too stumped to say anything to her in Japanese but I wanted to say 'sumimasen'.
I managed to shut the door and went with my fellow interviewees to buy some coloured water.
* * *
My mother and auntie turned up in the temporary bedroom I'd been set up in. My auntie had left my uncle and had gone mad. I could tell by the postcards she sent me.
* * *
Somewhere else, different dream. I am with people I don't recognise. Snakes keep getting into the house we're in. They keep biting people and penetrating bodies and turning them into statues. The statues keep shattering.
I try to drive away from this. An Indian girl is getting married and apparently I have to wear a sari. She has sex with the best man. Her groom has sex with another man in the bridal party. A camel licks the groom on his privates and gets rid of his body hair this way.
edit
How on earth did I forget to put in the weirdest bit? My teacher Miss Macri (from Grade 4, quite the bullying bitch in real life just because she couldn't spell) made me sing The Magic Flute to my class. Not all of it, but most of it. I had to roll some wheels up and down a long, thick log as I did this. It was extremely difficult.
