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Press Release Which Is Anything But The Mutt's Nuts

Is this the most pointless press release ever issued? L&B cops have appealed for help in finding puppies stolen in a break-in. Awww.

Now it might have potential for coverage but skip down to the Notes to Editor bit . . .

PUPPIES STOLEN, EDINBURGH
0800hrs, 20/10/09

Press Office, Fettes

Police in Edinburgh are appealing for information after four puppies were stolen from a flat in Albert Street on Friday (October 16).

The Staffordshire bull terrier pups were taken when the flat was broken into sometime between 11.30am and 1.45pm.

The puppies are eight weeks old, two of them are black, and two have brindle markings.

A police spokesperson said: “The owner is very upset at the loss of the puppies.

“We are appealing for anyone who might have seen people acting suspiciously in the area at the time, or from anyone who has heard of this kind of puppy being offered for sale, to contact police.”

Anyone with information is asked to contact Lothian and Borders Police on 0131 311 3131 or Crimestoppers in confidence and complete anonymity on 0800 555 111.

NOTE TO EDITORS: There are no images of the puppies available and the owner does not wish to speak to the media
ENDS

Issued by Martin Couper on 20/10/2009 08:05:01

If Martin Couper or his bosses at Fettes press office had any balls, even the canine variety, they would have told the cop that asked for this release to be issued that he/she was barking.

No pics and owner doesn't want to play ball - simple solution - take a hike. But what about the waste of resources in putting this together and then polluting news desk in-boxes with a release which has no chance of getting hacks to bite?

Try getting the media office to answer the dog and bone when you have an urgent inquiry about an ongoing incident or suspicious death and that's a different matter entirely - you've got more chance of them showing you their puppies.

Anyway, that's enough dog puns for one day, back to the real job . . .

Turbo Bob Wins Made Up Quote Award

It's been a while, but in an effort to breathe new life in to this blog, here goes . . .

Made Up Quote of the Week goes to - who else, but my old pals at Lothian and Borders Police press office for this little belter from Robert Turbyne on a "counter terrorism initiative".

But before the made up quote, how about this for classic police wank speak - "Superintendent Mark Williams, who hold the Counter-Terrorism portfolio for the City of Edinburgh".

WTF. Does that mean Mr Williams deals in shares in Edinburgh firms who specialise in counter terrorism; does he own properties in which counter terrorism staff are housed or is he in fact in charge of the force's counter terrorism unit?

If you can be bothered reading about this police exercise which brings "All Communities Together" you can read it here. Except you can't because wee Turbo Bob can't be arsed putting it on the Force's website, so there is no link.

But did you see what he did there? Capped up the A, C and T just in case thicko journos didn't get the intended message of, er, bringing communites together. Clever stuff indeed.

Anyway - to the made up quote, from a, ahem, a member of the public who attended a pilot session “The exercise suddenly puts you on the other side of the table and gives you an insight as to the challenges and decisions that the Police have to make each day. It certainly stresses the importance of regular interaction between both the police and the local community on a day-to-day basis."

Note to press office: Joe Public does not talk of "challenges and decisions" or "regular interaction" between the police and local community. But press officers with too much time on their hands and little imagination do.

Cop A Load Of This

A Happy New Year to you all. I never keep to New Year resolutions but I have made one which I will do my best to adhere to in 2009.

I've decided I will no longer post items on Lothian and Borders Police on this blog. Let's be honest, last year it was like shooting fish in a barrel and some of it made Grim reading.

This blog was supposed to be about PR, journalism and other stuff which took my fancy but I found so much info was coming my way about L and B that it tended to take over.

Now I know a lot of cops read this blog and never one to cause disappointment I've launched a new blog which will deal with police related news and gossip - and you can visit The Police Box here.

Cops Issue 'Slightly Unsettling' Press Release

'Tis the season of good will and all that but that's not going to stop me having a pop at my old mates in the Lothian and Borders Police press office. This is a couple of weeks old but it's too good to pass up, so here goes.

The famed media office issued a press release on December 1 appealing for witnesses to an alleged assault on two women walking home in the early hours of the morning in Duke Street, Leith.

The victims were verbally assaulted and two MONGS* threw some gravel at them before running off towards Leith Links.
A police spokesman said: “While neither woman was injured, this was an unpleasant incident which left them both slightly unsettled. We ask that anyone who was on Duke Street at the time of the incident and has any information that can help with our enquiries to contact police immediately."

Now, any person of any gender should be able to walk the streets safely without the threat of being accosted by the great unwashed and this was no doubt a frightening experience but let's go over that again - the women were not injured but "slightly unsettled".

And to help track down these ruthless criminals who have "slightly unsettled" the complainers a press officer has been tasked with compiling and distributing a press release to the nation's media.

Am I missing something? Oh yes, I forgot to mention the verbal abuse was "of a homophobic nature" according to the press release.

So, the next time an OAP's cat is abused by yobs or a gardener has his prized shrubs pulled up by neighbourhood neds can we expect a flurry of activity from the press office? Eh, probably not, unless the OAP (or cat) is gay or the gardener is of the uphill variety.

This PC-gone-mad police force will bend over backwards to mollycoddle every minority group but don't expect them to find a deid body lying in a garden or track down a rapist bogus taxi driver who then legs it to Africa.

*MONGS - police slang for Muirhouse or Niddrie Guffies

Farcical Fettes Press Office Flops Again

Rearrange the following words to form the basis a well established fact: press office, piss up, Lothian and Borders Police, brewery.
Much anger, bemusement, confusion but also resignation from assembled hacks who attended a media briefing at Fettes HQ this morning. The proceedings, overseen by press office boss Elayne Grim and four supporting staff, are in the Couldn't Make It Up category. I won't blog on it just now for operational reasons but look forward to adding more tomorrow - it's a hoot but also sadly a reflection on the inepdtitude of the media double act which is Acting Chief Constable Tom Halpin and La Grim.
It was interesting to note that at least (and at last) the Edinburgh Evening News have finally woken up to the jokers who are in charge of media relations at the Edinburgh force - see last Wednesday's splash.
This follows on from the disgraceful revelation that L and B failed to disclose an alleged rape of a female passenger at the hands of a bogus private hire car driver. For six days they kept schtum about the sexual assault, only going public on the case when the plods released they were not going to get a quick arrest.
By then of course, the media are asking why their readers (ie, the public who are supposed to be protected by L and B police) are only being told about this now and why should they run week-old news? But more importantly from a crime solving perspective, potential witnesses, late night revellers, taxi drivers etc, who could be of enormous help in providing leads in tracing the attacker, were being asked to recall an incident which happened almost a week before. Thank goodness, that in that six day news blackout period, the suspect has not struck again.
The pathetic L and B police press office, closely monitored by Tommy H, churn out the usual crap about the need to ensure information is accurate, the sensitive nature of the inquiry, not causing unneccessary alarm, blah de blah.
Who do they think they are kidding? This unacceptable sitaution has its roots with Halpin and Grymes who both mistakenly believe the best policy is to tell the media nothing, unless they get caught out or it's totally unavoidable.
I'm glad the Evening News are beginning to show some balls in holding L and B to account but it's about time others in the Scottish media banded together to ensure this poor excuse for a media operation is put under scrutiny and their failures are properly exposed.

Paranoid Picture Show At Fettes

Have The Plods Gone Mad? was the famous Sun headline at the height of the 1992 Fettesgate scandal. And you might ask that question now of Lothian and Borders Police media office judging by events at today's press conference on the re-opening of the Sheila Anderson murder inquiry. If not mad, at least a tad paranoid.
Journos turning up to cover the conference were told they must succumb to having their photograph taken before they could sit in on the event. Some meekly agreed while others rightly questioned the need to have their pic taken.
Mumbled explanations about it being part of a "new policy" did little to answer the big question of just why and for what purpose a Scottish police force need images of bona fide journalists, who have turned up at their invitation, and are simply doing their job.
If we are charitable we may accept it's part and parcel of tigher security at Fettes HQ but call me cynical, that just doesn't wash.
Are the rubber heels in the Professional Standards Unit so desperate (and naive) that they think ID-ing journos through pictures may help in some way of identifying the source of leaks? I suppose at the very least it helps them put a face to a name when they are sitting in their office listening in to and recording phone calls in to the press office.
I really can't figure out the thinking behind it. Invite the press along, ask them to give favourable coverage on a 25 year old murder but noise them up by taking their mug shots - answers or theories on a postcard please.
At least if I take up attending press conferences again they won't have to spend time and money taking my pic. I'm on file - fingerprints included - from my arrest during the Mad Dog McCafferty incident in South Queensferry some years ago.

Hewitt Hacked Off At Hacks

For Lothian and Borders Police press office to lose two members of staff in eight months is careless so to lose a third could be viewed as criminal. Only this time it's no big loss.
Dan "The Invisible Man" Hewitt is packing in his luctrative 16-hour-a-week working- from-home-gig and I can claim a sort of victory for this humble blog.
It seems poor old Dan feels he does not get the respect he deserves from his press office colleagues but he also told press office boss Elayne Grimes that he is fed up with the flack he has been getting in certain quarters and the questions raised about what he actually does for his money.
You will remember - oh you don't - well let me recap . . . When Dan "retired" from his post at head of L and B's communications dept in October 2006 he was immediatley rehired as an "independent media consultant" on a cool £30,000 a year. What he's done since then to merit this neat little earner is anyone's guess and even Edinburgh's finest detectives would be hard pushed to crack this enduring mystery.
When I phoned Elayne Grimes to ask about Dan's resignation she chirpily informed me that Dan carried out some "really important jobs" such as preparing the Chief Constable's annual report. But my sources say Dan used to do this in his full-time role so it begs the question why can't Grimes, as the current media comms boss, carry out this "really important" job?
Anyway, the Scottish media corp will be crying in their beer this weekend at Dan's imminent departure. Not.
ps. Elayne Grimes kindly invited me in to Fettes for a coffee and to meet her team. Might just take her up on that offer - if only to sample one of the ground breaking initiatives she's introduced to the media office since taking over. Apparently there's a special "coffee corner" where staff can take time out away from their desks and the relentless pressure of answering "no comment" to every media inquiry.

Blogging - It Would Be Rude Not To

I got a call on Wednesday from the news editor of a national, asking me to help out on a story his paper wanted to do on Lothian and Borders cops and their right-on, politically correct, tree hugging, lesbian-gay-bisexual-transgender flag waving tendencies.
I was too busy on other things to get involved but I told said news editor he could have beaten The Scotsman to the story of the £120k being poured down the drain on rebranding if he had been following my blog.
His response was something like "Oh, people read it?" I can't make up my mind if this was because he personally doesn't like this blog or that he is one of those journos who stick to the increasingly old fashioned view that blogs are just for the *McChattering classes (*Copyright David Cairns).
It got me looking at the blog stats, which are of course modest, but to me, still quite surprising. Just reviewing the last three months from 1 December until today there have been 4195 hits on the blog and 3026 visits. That's chicken feed compared to other blogs and to be honest I'm not really fussed but it does show that it has some kind of regular readership.
Ok, some people land here in error, like the weirdo who put in a Google search for "spanking Aberdeen" (it's an old and innocent post referring to Facebook spanking)but I know there are regular readers from the media, the Scottish Government and of course the polis.
There are also regular readers from Norway, France, Ireland and USA on top of the many UK visitors.
Some of my contemporaries ask, "how can you be bothered, what's the blog all about?" I blog for lots of different reasons, regardless of how many readers might look in, and here's just a few of them: It's a bit of fun. It gives me an outlet to get some words down other than in press releases. It's less formal and you can write in a style that's different from mainsteam media. I can be frivolous one day and serious the next. I can pose questions on matters such as the underperforming press office at Lothian and Borders Police where others may feel more restricted about what they can say.
And here's quite an important reason. The blog also keeps me in touch or puts me back in touch with former colleagues and other journos. For example, the other night I got a text from Windy Alexander's new spin doctor, Simon Pia, on the back of a blog entry. This morning I had a phone call from Scotland Today's Edinburgh bureau chief, Suzi Mair, who has just discovered the blog and says she can't believe I'm so rude and the political editor of a Sunday title has emailed to say he's nicking one of my lines for his columm. Great to hear from these folks and the more the merrier.
So, hard to believe I know, but people do read this blog. And once in a while they might just pick up the odd tale which I've been too busy to flog on.

The Life and Grimes of Lothian and Borders Police Press Office

Hats off, (with new insignia) to Michael Howie and Brian Ferguson for their story in today's Scotsman about Lothian and Borders cops latest wheeze - spending £120k on a rebranding exercise.
It's possible Messrs Howie and Ferguson have been following this blog which first revealed the rebranding farce and the resources being poured in to this pointless exercise. Other newspapers are quite rightly following this up for tomorrow's editions but just cast your eye over the following statement which has been issued by the Fettes press office in response to media inquiries.
I predict you are unlikely to find a better example of "wank speak" this year. And what's worse, these jokers are being paid generously for issuing tosh like this. No doubt Deputy Chief Constable Tom Halpin and his press office pal Elayne Grimes are delighted with their day's work but surely its only a matter of time before their political bosses, both local and national, put a stop to this sort of nonsense which is being carried out in the taxpayers name.
Here is the statement. Read and enjoy, even if you don't understand what it means.

A police spokesperson said: “Lothian and Borders Police started a Corporate Identity Project in 2006 following a number of recommendations from various stakeholder publications that the force could consider enhancing their visibility through addressing their corporate identity.

“This is not about having a ‘new look’ but rather about an organisation that is moving forward with new drive, new ambition, new ideas and new relationships. The dynamic nature of Lothian and Borders Police is one that we should all acknowledge and help to nurture as we become commonly regarded as leaders in service, leaders in innovation, and leaders in partnerships.

“It was decided that our new identity should be built upon the newly agreed Core Values that underpin our organisation. The six core values, and foundations of, Lothian and Borders Police are that of Transparency, Integrity, Responsiveness, Reassurance, Respect and Innovation. With these in mind our organisation seeks to move forward with a new ‘tone of voice’ to work hand in hand with these values as we ask all of our communities and stakeholders both internal and external to “Work With Us”.

“The Corporate Identity Project will also ensure that Lothian and Borders Police are recognised by a new logo that is designed to illustrate the new core values and tone of voice. Lothian and Borders Police has already started rolling out our new identity and this will continue over the coming months according to priority products and materials and minimum environmental impact.”

NOTE TO NEWSDESKS: The advice and recommendations were set out in the Disability Discrimination Act, the ACPOS Diversity Action Plan, Lothian and Borders Police Force Equality Scheme, Lothian and Borders Police Force Visibility and Reassurance Strategies, HMIC Open All Hours, HMIC Narrowing the Gap, Investor in People Standard and BS 7000-6 Managing Inclusive Design Standard.

I could go through it line for line but just picking out a few will suffice.
"leaders in service, leaders in innovation, and leaders in partnerships" - how about just being leaders in sticking bad guys in the pokey, keeping our streets safe and putting more cops on the beat (like your Strathclyde counterparts)?
"The six core values, and foundations of, Lothian and Borders Police are that of Transparency, Integrity, Responsiveness, Reassurance, Respect and Innovation." Judging by the feedback I get from hacked-off hacks on their dealings with the press office I take it Elayne Grimes and her team are exempt from these core values then?
"our organisation seeks to move forward with a new ‘tone of voice’" - will Dan Hewitt be adopting this new tone of voice (£30k a year for sitting at home, if you don't mind)? Does it mean he will actually respond to weekend press inquiries instead of ignoring calls and that when he does answer his phone he will “Work With Us” - us being the media?
Another astonishing PR coup in the life and grimes of Lothian and Borders Police press office.

PS: did anyone from L and B have a clear media stategy on how to deal with the predictable Tommy Sheridan outburst yesterday as he wife was detained at Gayfield or was it decided just to let him give the Force a right good kick in the Solidarities?

Strathclyde's Top Cop Puts House In Order

I like the cut of his gib - this new Strathclyde Police Chief Constable, Stephen House. As reported by Michael Howie in his Scotsman exclusive, Mr House has given Scotland's largest police force a right shake up since he took over the top post, booting out highly paid senior officers back on to the beat and axing dozens of superintendents posts to free up £2 million in salaries.
Lothian and Borders Police also got a new Chief Constable recently. Not that you would know. But to be fair to David Strang his force have been busy too - celebrating Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender History Month by flying a rainbow flag outside their Edinburgh HQ. Sadly, I'm not making this up - full story here in the Edinburgh Evening News.
Chief Constable House is also raking in extra cash courtesy of Lothian and Borders Police press office. Apparently the Edinburgh press office are so busy that boss Elayne Grimes is sending PR work through to Strathclyde, which their press office carry out, and of course, invoices back to the Edinburgh force.
Ms Grimes, on about £50k a year, has no problems spending tax payers cash. Recently she had a team of three or four cops beavering away on a review - to find out how good her department is. (did they canvas the views of the Scottish media who would, I'm sure, have a few pointed answers?)
She's also got a full time police constable assisting with a lengthy review of the force's corporate identity which could lead to a very expensive replacement of all Lothian and Borders branding, force crest, livery, stationery ect.
And I hear Ms Grimes, who seems to spend a good deal of time "out of force" has also called in a Glasgow communications agency who are placing a member of staff on a 10 week secondment to Fettes to help with the corporate identity review.
So while Strathclyde's Chief is determined to drive down costs, root out wasters and put cops back on the beat, his counterpart in Edinburgh seems happy to throw money at a media office which fails to perform even the most basic of duties.(see previous post)
I know Elayne Grimes is a fervent reader of my blog. Maybe she can come on and explain how she can justify splashing the cash and tying up experienced police officers when Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill has made it clear the Scottish Government's priority is to have fewer pen pushers and more thief catchers?