In the last few weeks, I have read a few blog posts about friendship, social media and rejection. One blogger mentioned how she couldn't wait to become a parent in order to have friends (other parents) as it would force her into friendships. Force? From what I have seen, parenthood often leaves people with little time to build friendships although they may chat with other parents about each other's kids. Friendships need more than small talk to survive. Knowing other people in similar roles does not automatically generate a friendship. As with any other real connection, it takes work.
Another blogger referenced the CNN article "Defriending Can Bruise Your 'Digital Ego'" and asked people how do they cope with rejection. The article states that people can be more hurt by online rejection than in person since people are usually polite in person. It is true that some people are ruder online; one look at the comments on a YouTube video or CNN's political ticker confirms this. However, online comments with insults are much different than someone clicking "remove from friends." I would agree that tons of insults fired at a person online could hurt their feelings. However, all online activity isn't the same. It seems as if the article is comparing the general nastiness online to removal from a friends list/denial of a friend request. That comparison is unbalanced.
In the article, a person with more than 500 connections on LinkedIn felt rejected and disappointed over 1 person declining her request. She already had more than 500 connections on LinkedIn, but apparently that is not enough. Perhaps since LinkedIn is for business, the more connections the better, but quality connections matter as well. Aren't the recommendations and referrals one of the major points of this site? Isn't a person more likely to get positive referrals from people who actually want to interact with them? People I know who use LinkedIn use it for business and have no extreme personal expectations when seeking a new connection. I would reach to say that this would be the same for Twitter as it is acceptable that strangers follow and unfollow each other as well as chat with each other about shared interests. I can't imagine the personal expectations that exist for Facebook would extend to LinkedIn or Twitter, but for some, apparently it does.
Another guy mentioned in the article had 1200 friends on Facebook and did not know 400 of them. He stated that he is a people person and likes when people like him. He seemed to perceive a friend request as the same thing as being liked and needed more to validate his likeableness. One of the first things that I have to remind myself (often daily) is that the word friend is used in many ways and has a variety of meanings for people. For some, the word friend clearly means the word enemy. For some, the word friend means someone that he/she has not been intimately involved with. For some, the word friend means any other human being with a beating heart that accepts a friend request on a site so that as many friends as possible are on the list. I understand that the term is used casually and with different meanings. Facebook may have chosen to use that word because of its positive connotations. However, expecting a real connection and relationship with someone because a website calls them that word is another story. A friendship is not achieved by adding someone to a list on a website, period. The problem is that friendships are viewed as disposable lists instead of real relationships.
People do have genuine friendships (a redundant term since a friendship can only be real; anything else is something else) that cross over to the web. If one my friends removed me from their friends list, I would want to know why since our histories and relationships are sufficient enough for me to desire an explanation. Again, I am not using the word friend with the meaning of any other human being that is not me. The correct term for that is people. I am not using it with the meaning of anyone that appears on any list on profiles that I have. I am using the word friends as in the people that I share values, experiences, ideals and hearty conversation with as we travel the road of life together. We have histories and experiences that have shaped and defined our relationships. Only then would I feel rejection if they removed me from their friends list. However, it would have more to do with the symbolism of that action in relation to our real relationships than a decreased number of people on my friends list or social media itself.
Unlike those referred to in the article, I do not need email explanations from those who do not accept my friend requests and definitely not from those who decide to remove me from their friends list. The quality of the relationship itself will warrant if further contact is needed. If adults have self-esteem issues over rejection in relation to being denied friend requests or being removed from friends lists by faint acquaintances or strangers, social media or the person who rejected them is not the real issue at hand--they are.
I have not experienced rejection issues or a bruised digital ego in regards to social media sites. I am concerned about preserving the relationships with people (whom incidentally may or may not utilize social media) that really matter matter to me. Because I genuinely value relationships when the computer and phones are off, I have had very few instances where someone that really matters to me removed me from their friends list. I haven't felt phased by an acquaintance's decision to remove me from their friends list or deny a friend request. Social media is not to blame though; it is the vast differences in the definition of a friend and friendship and the range in thoughts of the value of friendships that existed long before the social media explosion.
"Knowledge is to know the path to choose, courage is to travel that path, but wisdom is to choose to travel the path in the company of friends."
Link: Defriending Can Bruise Your 'Digital Ego'
Related Blog Posts: the secret to female friendships, the constitution of the united users of facebook, let's be friends, or else
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