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G says...


Here I sit at 10 am in the morning.  It is time to go to bed for me because this is the pattern my life without a job has taken.  I have 2 months left to find my way back to the emotional stability to find a job that pays $2500 take home a month or bad things will happen.  People look at me and think I am fine.  The tree only falls in the forest when we see it fall.  They do not see the inner struggle inside.  The way I reduced my world to places, things and actions that will not cause me emotion.  How I never listen to music, some movies I cannot watch and outside is a place that terrifies me.  It is crazy right.  What sane person would act such ways?  But I am not a sane person.  I am a man who looks at everything with fear... always asking is this a variable that will lead me to that very, very dark place. 

How can I get job when I cannot find enough will power in me to get up and go outside?  How can I work in an office when I am terrified of people because I know my emotions will lie to me and I will over react or under react or not react.  Everything I say.. I write.. I do.. I over analyze because so often in life I have been so wrong. 

I have no answers.. there are no pills...I pray an angel shows me the way... you know the hardest part... it is I just need the right people to believe in me.. to tell me.. the one thing I have noticed is how so rarely in life do we bother to tell people they are amazing.... at least nobody does to me.. the right people I should say... it is always the right people.. the people we attach worth too...

I have no answers.. so I lay here afraid to go to sleep cause waking up at 10 pm... looking at the dark world is a special kind of hell... almost as bad as looking at the world at 8 am and realizing you don't matter... not in anyway that makes you smile...

So I will watch farscape.. I really bad scifi show on itunes.. that I have not seen... if you know me... I guess the way to think about it is when you date a girl she will never tell you what is wrong because if you had cared you would of known.. once she tells you it is too late....this blog is for me... I do not want your help... but I do think the cousin I never met rocks.. about the only member of my family I feel that way about...


Filed under: depression, heartbreak, hope, itunes, love, madness, pain, sleep

   Rachel Ray's Magnificent Ass

And I don't care who knows about it...

Have I ever told you the story of how Rachel Ray's Magnificent Ass saved my life? I'm reprinting this because, sometimes, I have to stop and remember why I blog. Why I breathe. Why I live.

It was so long ago. I was despondent. I was lost. I was crawling through my own confusion. I was meandering about, wondering what was wrong with me. I had no purpose.

And then, on the Internet one day, I saw the picture you see above. I have always been frisky, and for years I fought my inner friskiness. I made a prude of myself. I invented reasons to be chaste and I blushed too often. Sorry, the Internet is a place for expression. In the 1960s, I wore suits and sold things and I passed on the free love and the good times. I spent forty years with my nose to the grindstone, making money and taking names. Now? Now I can reflect and comment, share and inform. I will make things that will cause you to laugh, to weep and to moan with ecstasy. Yes, even you, mother. Stop reading my blogs if you think there's something wrong with me. Father approves. In fact, Father loves writing on his blog, the one I set up for him because he couldn't make the girl who steals his shoes and potatoes do it for him at Leisure World.

I was lost, and then, I was found. That's because I saw Rachel Ray's Magnificent Ass when I was broken, alone, sleeping the garage, and as low as I have ever been.

I saw it, and it spoke to me. It said to me that there was a woman out there who was so beautiful, so curvy, so classy, so wonderful that she didn't care what anyone thought of her, and her purpose was to cook, to entertain, to laugh, and have a good time. Rachel Ray, in and of herself, is a wonderful woman, very courageous, very talented. I cannot say enough good things about her. I refuse to denigrate her--when I say she has a magnificent ass, it means that she transcends all and should be put on a pedestal and worshipped like a Greek Goddess. I am humbled to view her eminence. I am a better man for acknowledging her wonder. She is perfection, and I am an imperfect, adoring male. The female in this world has power over the male, you see, because we must pay tribute to the glory that is her figure and form and her persona. She is the better part of us, these people, these women in our lives. Love your mothers, wives, girlfriends, companions, and even the daughter who just walks in and starts telling us we were terrible fathers in the 1980s. Yes, even you Miranda. I should appreciate you more, but I don't. I'm sorry.

Rachel Ray's Magnificent Ass has made me a better father, a more attentive lover, and a better man. A better man. Nothing in this world could make me admit that, except for her ass. I swear it is true.

Rachel Ray doesn't need me--I need her. Rachel Ray is more than a photo. She is an empire of goodness and kindness. She had those pictures taken of her because, well, why not? Why not show the world that a gal can do that? The rest is history. Haters need not apply. Embrace the good, reject the callow, and appreciate the magnificence that she represents. Do something to make all of the women in your life feel special. It's time we as men realized that we've not been respectful or appreciative of women. We're all the same, we're all equal. Don't let that dingbat take the fall for your under performing company, sir. Let her feel good about herself. Have some dopey kid take the fall instead.

Once I saw that picture, I knew that I had to blog, to write, to find a purpose. I had to make things happen. I had to create blogs that were good, better than what was out there. Forget that Search Engine Optimization malarkey--whatever malarkey is anyway--I create, I publish, I make, I do, I find, I search, I sift--I make it all happen. I decide, I conjure, I analyze. I bring it and I leave it.

I am who I am because I love Rachel Ray's Magnificent Ass. It moves me to tears, it does. It's a ripe apple hanging from a tree in the garden of Earthly delights, and I cannot have it. I can see it, I can appreciate it, I can tell you how grand and special it is. But it is not mine. It is hers. She shares it with us, like a secret.

Thank you, Rachel. This old, crying man with a happy face and a smile only for you...I break down trying to finish this. I do.

Thank you.

Filed under: Autobiography, Commentary, Food, Hope, Humor, Life, Personal, Rachel Ray

salonunidad says...

Today I saw

a storm come

over the River

 

I want to draw

the blue hole

in the

clouds

 

Beyond the

256 shades

of grey are

hues of blues

 

It is comforting

to know that there

is something

beyond

 

What I see

immediately

directly

visibly

easily

right there

 

It hints at

el futuro

yet I am

anchored

here

 

now

 

 

Filed under: art, Garry Point Park, hope, Steveston, the Path, the River, the Sea

Okay, a popular author, N.T. Wright has a great book called Surprised by Hope. I just like the play on words, and this as nothing to do with his book. 

I was thinking more about theology, specifically systematic theology. I am certain about two things 1) some of it is great, useful, and necessary; 2) a lot of it is just bloat, pages filled with big words and man made ideas. 

Don't get me wrong, it is important to be educated and know what is going on theologically, and I don't want to reinvent the wheel so to speak, although how could you reinvent the wheel, the actual wheel I mean, it is pretty amazing. 

I think we need to strip away some layers of this system we, over 2000 years, have created. I am not sure what needs to be removed to take the weight off of the Gospel's shoulders, but something has to change. It is a lot harder to run a good race with giant weights wrapped around your ankles. Finally, I am not certain here but my guess would be that the purpose of Christ's amazing, transforming, and radical message was not a system of intellectualism. 

The purpose of the Gospel was and still is, to transform this world! 

Filed under: God, Gospel, Hope, Jesus, Theology

I thought it might be important to give a quick re-cap on the past few weeks and months to identify the progress I've made. There have been so many changes in my life over the last weeks, months, years that it's sometimes hard to keep track. I could spend hours writing about all the different areas of my life and the intimate details of each, but I decided to narrow it down to a select few: relationships, career, education and fitness.

Relationships
I can't say that I've mastered this one, but I've learned enough to know that it's easy to mess up without realizing it. I've had my fair share of challenges, frustrations, battles with pride and learning experiences. I've been up hill...and down...and up, again...and down, again. I finally feel like my "boat" is running an even course and the keel is finally fully inserted.

I'm engaged! I feel so lucky to have this girl in my life. After all I've been through I not only felt like giving up, but I was convinced that I wouldn't find anyone to love me, care for me, trust me and open their arms, life and heart to my daughter. Well, I found her!

Sarah and I have been together for almost a year. We met a long time ago, in Richmond, but never really knew each other. We became re-acquainted on Facebook, I moved to Utah and spent 6 months with her out there, then she moved back to VA with me and the rest is history. We'll be married on November 28, 2009 and neither of us has been so excited. She's bought a dress, I've rented a tuxedo. We've had engagement pictures taken, invitations created, printed, put together and mailed; dinner reservations made, and to top it off - my Dad's performing the ceremony. Ah, life is good! :)

Career
This has been a looong, difficult, exciting, motivating/depressing road that has taught me more than nearly any other area of my life. I'm currently working for UnitedHealthcare as a "Medicare Inside Sales Representative", ie: I sell health insurance, via the phone (inbound calls) to Medicare-eligible beneficiaries across the entire US. I feel very blessed to have this job, it pays a base salary plus commission. I've become fairly proficient at this job and attribute my immediate success to the experiences and life lessons of all the other jobs I've had, combined.

At this point I've worked in such a variety of industries and positions I'm not sure what's left. Waiter, check. Cashier, check. Manager, check. McDonald's, check. Small business owner, check. Call center, check. IT support, check. Military, check. Sales, check. And the list goes on.

Education
This area still has work to be done, in fact quite a bit more, but the fact is I have a plan and I'm sticking to it. I'm 18 credit hours shy of an Associate's degree in Business Administration from Virginia Western Community College. I'll complete my degree in the Spring or Summer of 2010. Once graduated my current plan is to transfer to Virginia Tech's Accounting program and finish my bachelor's in the Spring of 2012. This goal may get bumped or skewed since I'm currently considering running for political office, at some point in my future, and may re-direct myself onto the attorney/politics track.

Fitness
Ah, the category of greatest need for improvement. :(  I must say, it's so much more depressing to lose weight and gain it back, than it is to lose weight. I spent most of my adult life around 180lb, but then ballooned to 230. I was then able to lose about 35 pounds and hovered under 200 for almost a year. I'm now back to 205lb and sad about the loss of progress over these past few months, but I digress.

I hope to run a marathon. I said, "hope" not "I have a goal" because I don't know if my knees will carry me that far. The farthest I've ever ran is just over 13 miles and that was about all my poor little legs could take. I'd like to think I can complete a 1/2 marathon, but we'll see. For now, I want to trim down to 170 - 175lb and be able to breeze through a 6 - 8 mile run, regularly.

Filed under: career, education, fitness, goals, hope, marriage

I am in seminary. 

One thing I have noticed, theology gets heated. People don't always agree, which is fine. But I wonder if God really cares about issues of free will. I wonder what breaks the heart of the Lord more, theology or people dying physically and spiritually because we are too occupied with theological debates. 

 

 

 

Filed under: God, Heart, Hope, Purpose, Theology, Work

Alpha says...

When my mom was stricken with cancer, when it was advanced, we often had in the back of our minds, "Might as well do such and such and don't hold back - who knows how long we have with her?" 

One of the things she wanted to do, but never did, was to visit our relatives in Australia. Granted, my mother was not one for travel, and plain procrastination was one reason we've never gone to Sydney, but another factor was the cost. The bottom line. 

However, when you're faced with death, money becomes less of an object. Inconvenience becomes less of an object. "What would people think?" becomes less of an object. When you're faced with death. 

Sadly, it was too late. 

My mom said that when she recovered, she would go on a holiday with my dad. She did not recover, so instead of going down under, she went up and over. Still, it's a comfort to me, to know that at the end, her values became clearer. Or, rather, it became easier to decide. After all, when one particular shot of chemo costs ten thousand bucks, what's a round trip to Australia? Child's play. 

Yes, it's possible to waste money by spending it out of turn. But it's also possible to waste money by not spending it when the time calls for it. The nature of money is to be spent. We should spend it on worthwhile things. The same goes for time. Time must be spent wisely. Perhaps infinitely more so than money. 

When we're faced with possible death, we're willing to "let go" and "just do it". After all, you don't know how many days you have left. 

Here's the thing - we're all going to die. We may not be sick or serving in a war zone, but even if it's going to be peacefully, in bed, many decades hence - we're all dying. And we don't really know what tomorrow's going to bring. Sure, it'll probably be the usual routine, but no one knows for sure, really. So, if we're all dying anyway, why aren't we living today to the full? 

Hope, to me, is sparked by the fact of death. Today is full of potential waiting for our actions to make them manifest. While we live, we can - so we should - answer the quiet, persistent call that whispers so loudly deep within us. 

Filed under: ambition, carpe diem, death, hope, life, money, Mother, time

Joey K says...

If everybody cared about everybody, then nobody would need to care about themselves.

Jonagold apples are amazing.

Is beauty the only thing we can love?

Splite

Joseph Plavcan

Bananas don't really smell good.

Flamboyancy is not necessarily creativity.

Quit cluttering my words.

I just bought Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind!

     How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!

     The world forgetting, by the world forgot.

     Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!

     Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.

I love the latest Wal*Mart (Great Value) brand food packaging; it makes me feel so much more comfortable eating their food.

Have a nice day!

Filed under: apple, autumn, banana, beauty, care, clutter, creativity, eternal, fall, flamboyancy, great, hope, jonagold, joseph, love, mind, movie, packaging, peace, plavcan, poem, quote, smell, splite, spotless, sunshine, value, walmart, word

This clever image was created to mock-commemorate the leader of the British National Party and ex-National Front member Nick Griffin being given a public voice on the BBC's 'Question Time', which allows members of the audience (as well as the wider public via text/email/twitter) to openly question policies and motives.

The appearance of Nick Griffin has caused outrage, given the beliefs, policies and connections of the BNP, which anybody outside of the UK who might not be aware of these holocaust-denying, racist, xenophobic bigots can read about here: http://bit.ly/qIi5k (don't worry, it links to Wikipedia...I wouldn't dream of giving their official website the extra traffic.)

Given the significance and meaning around the Obama presidency campaign / poster, not to mention his ethnicity, as well as the broad youth appeal of the work of artist Shepard Fairey (creater of the Obey phenomenon, and with a career retrospective recently opened at the Warhol Museum in Pittsburgh) this is a very clever appropriation and reworking of that now-famous Hope image.

Go ahead and share it / retweet it as much as possible; let's all do our bit in sending a message that these outdated views have no place in modern society.

Filed under: BNP, hope, obama, obey, racism, shepard fairey

jessesilva says...

Miami Dolphins Cheerleaders - Love, Hope, Cure

Filed under: Cheerleaders, Cure, Hope, Love, Miami Dolphins