The Journey to heal the roles we are born into.
| I recently read the book " The Men We Never Knew: How to Deepen Your Relationship With the Man You love" by Daphne Rose Kingma. It had been recommended to me by Kala Kos, an author, workshop teacher and self-growth therapist. I loved the book, as it validated a thesis I had for many years about men, their struggle with expressing their full selves and how society keeps that struggle in place. I had been introduced to feminism in 1975 by a man who held men's consciousness raising groups. It made sense to me that men would want to free themselves from the limiting roles that had been taught and enforced by their parents and society. I assumed that was what feminism was about, both men and women freeing themselves from limiting roles and opening up to their full expression of both their male and female sides. I did what I could think to do to free my son from those limitations as I figured men had mostly been raised by women, so it was my job to do what I could to support my son in expressing all of himself. I'm sure, as a parent, that I didn't do all I could do, but I did my best. Later on, I met feminists that didn't understand my open view of it all, and seemed to be very angry at men, wanting to blame them for all of their struggles and limiting roles, and at the same time, demanding that men now behave like women, being able to access and express their emotions, and talk about them fully and easily, just as most women are able to do. But what I heard in listening to both the male clients I had in my body/mind therapy practice and the men I knew as friends, was that women were still expecting them to be strong, stoic, the one who fixes things and is the breadwinner, and often ran if they cried or expressed their feelings. I could see that men were being given a conflicting message about what was expected of them. I loved that this book talks in detail about how men got to be where they are, what keeps them behind this wall not expressing their feelings, how women ended up giving this double message, and why women are afraid to truly assist a man in learning this language of feeling. I can understand that as women demand that a man access his feelings on the spot, given how and why a man is taught not to do so, leaves the man struggling to access something he has no clue how to access, and creates fear as well. The author explains why it is the woman's job to teach the man how to access these feelings and gives practical suggestions on how to do it. The book also details how this journey helps to free women, too, and allows them to more deeply express their male sides and become more balanced in the process. I've since seen two movies that show this male struggle. The first one I watched was "Reservation Road", a tense drama with Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Ruffalo. Mark Ruffalo ends up running over Joaquin's son, in a hit and run, and like many men, Joaquin turns to anger and action to deal with his grief, before he is finally able to express his grief and immense loss of his son. The movie also explores the lack of self-esteem and feelings of failure and disappointment that many men feel about themselves and are met with through failed relationships, as well as dealing with the woundedness that men inherit from their fathers. The other movie I watched was "When did you last see your father?", with Colin Firth and Jim Broadbent, another drama about a son growing up with a larger than life Father, who dearly loves his son and yet through words and the lack of acknowledgement creates much pain and anger in his son. It shows how much a Father can wound his son and how that wound affects the child and later the man. It also sweetly shows the various stages of a male child's growth and how you reconcile the secrets, struggles and pain in your relationship with your parent, and come to a place of receiving and giving love. I feel like this healing is a worthy journey for both men and women, because I feel that the more we heal the male and female parts within us, we are able to create healthier and more deeply spiritual relationships. Also, we are more able then to express our true divinity. |
