Staff Tension at Harvard Newspaper Explodes Into Epic, Graphic Scorched-Earth Email [Shut Up, College]
A group of disgruntled staffers at heralded Harvard rag The Crimson said good-bye to the outgoing leadership with a group email that includes the phrases "epically unpopular," "forever-flaccid penis," and "group-fisting."
IvyGate redacted the names and has a moratorium on outing senders and recipients in their comments. But you can totally take a stab here, and/or email me with your deepest, darkest secrets.
————— Forwarded message —————
From: [redacted]
Date: Wed, 2 Dec 2009 17:53:52 -0500
Subject: Open Letter to the 136
To: [redacted]Dear 136,
As you approach the time when you are stepping down from your positions, we will not lie that there is a collective sigh of relief and joy out of every single person in the board (except for maybe [redacted], though that may be unclear, since he can't express much emotion anyways).
I'm sure you guys are not surprised to learn that you were epically unpopular, as you probably were for most of your pre and post-pubescent lives. Although the power trip of weeks past may have given you a slight feeling of euphoria, let us assure you, as you go forth in life, you will still be losers and nerds and weirdoes.
But we digress. The more important issue here is not how much you stroke eachother's egos (or dicks for that matter—that includes you, [redacted]—that's two now, right? [redacted] and [redacted]? Do I hear a threesome—then you get your chocolate and your vanilla in one Sunday), instead, how you have left the biz board an atrocious mess that rivals that of [redacted]'s puke on [redacted] during Grand Elections. We have written an acrostic poem below to further expound upon our discontentment a la Governor Schwarzenegger:
F uck you.
U gly — Yeah yeah you ugly
C um — after your circle jerks you have together, all over [redacted]'s face
K ill — the action you performed upon the only institution that has ever
accepted youY ellow Fever — What half of you have, you sick fucks.
O h — oh, oh, oh, the screams of [redacted]'s orgasm from group-fisting heard
from the Quad during deliberations
U surp — the only thing that can save The Crimson nowIn all seriousness, your short-sighted, insular, narcissistic mindset has damaged the culture, atmosphere, retention, and recruitment of the business. You concentrated on numbers, numbers, numbers—but just wait until we see more red because no one wants to work for an organization that lacks any humanistic qualities or fun. You have been to enough recruiting events from top firms in the country—what do they always emphasize? The people. If you had had the business acumen you purport to supposedly have, you would have realized the intangible social aspects of the board and how they affect revenue and long-term sustainability. Perhaps we cannot blame you because social skills are not your forte, however, we will forever bear the burden of the poor choice you have made as your legacy; the 136 is now a punch-line, for a pathetic joke of a year.
We're glad you got your goodies and got off to "cutting" people and wielding "power" over a student club. Congratulations. Wait for the real world, where people will see you for the pathetic, greedy, sycophantic slugs you are. Well you've effectively castrated The Crimson of it's culture - now chew on the testicles that you've cut off…thank you, 136, for your true dedication to The Crimson and history will NOT absolve you.
Do not try to attribute this to the work of one person—your witch hunts further reinforce your patheticness and make public your incompetence to even appease the people who "work under you"—except for [redacted], who truly works under [redacted]. We hope your take-away from this is not a bitter tirade from sore losers (in fact part of the undersigned are newly-elected managers), but instead a truthful letter as to the nature you have left an organization we all genuinely cared about (of course, with some humorous, albeit still truthful, puns). Though you have handed down to us little, we will be sure to speak to your legacy as tyrannical, egotistical, and bastardly.
If we were you, we wouldn't think to step foot back in The Crimson after you have vacated the premises, for we assure you, the atmosphere will not be one of welcoming embrace. We feel it is only fair to give you a rebuttal and chance to clear your mind and legacy—feel free to reply to this email.
(Dis)respectfully Submitted,
X
Word Count: 646 (foot pole up your ass)
Drop-down: [redacted]'s forever-flaccid penis
These rugrats will be coming to a failing newspaper near you this spring. They are the future of media.
[IvyGate]
moc.rekwag@airaza.
Send an email to Azaria Jagger, the author of this post, at nmnevn@tnjxre.pbz
This awesome. I also want to write a letter like this soon.
