the first one did not work, so here goes again. Let me know what you think.
I wrote this a couple of years ago and never had a place to post it.
Well, get out the kleenex, your going to need it.
This is a letter to my mom, she passed away 20 years ago this Christmas at tha eage of 52. True story.
Dear Mom,
I am sitting here in Minneaplois,MN and thought that in celebration of your 20 years in heaven, I'd write you.
Here goes:
I rememeber that day as if it were yesterday. There had been a snow storm the night before and we got almost 14 inches of snow.
I was woke up by dad because he had found you acting "funny" this morning,slurring your speech and just not knowing where you were. We decided that you needed to go to the hospital. So, we called the fire dept and because of the snow could not get anyone to respond. Dad went and go t the ambulance and drove it to the house. Rob and I were trying to get you settled so that we could get you in the ambulance. by tghis time more members showed up, and we were able to get you on the stretcher and out to the ambulance. I was the lead paramedic that day, Rob was second and dad drove the ambulance to the hospital.
The most difficult thing that Rob and I had to do, was look past the fact that you were our mom, and try and treat you like a patient. Rob, being the youngest in the family, had a difficult time with this. But, I finally got him to help me, no matter how difficult it was.
We arrived at the hospital and got you settled in the emergency room. Dr. Basta was there, and he took control of everything. We still had no idea what was wrong with you. After a few hours, Dr. Basta came and told us that he had to put you on a respirator because you had some kind of stroke. He also told us that there were more tests that neded to be done.they got you in a room and we were able to visit. It was difficult seeing you there like that, even with all the training we had. Cindy was the most emotional, but you knew that.
After a day or so, we were told that you had a brain aneurysm, and that they did not know how much damage had been done, but they were not able to get to it, as it was in your brain, and they had to get you stabilized first. So, everyday we came to visit, waiting for some good news. I had become friendly wityh some of the other families in ICU, one family that was there was the family of a man that I had saved 2 times after he had a heart attack, but he too was not in good shape. The family was grateful for me being able to hold it together and also be able to help others in time of need. I guess that is a trait you gave me, a provider, just like you. After 16 days in ICU, on December 28, 1987, we had to make a decesion. We had to decide whether or not to continue treatment, or, take you off all life support. After we had a family meeting, we decided that you had lived your life and that ypou would be much better off in heaven. So, we informed the doctors, signed some papers, and left the rest in God's hands.
Some hours later, dad called me and Rob to the living room and informed us that you had died. I went to my room and thought about all the good things and bad things that you had done for me in my life.
Your funeral was tremendous. All the people that you and dad had become friends with in and out of the fire service attended. The flowers and cars went on for miles. That is a sign of respect. I am proud of you mom, you were a well respected person in the community. Although I have not been by to see you, all I have to do is look at my left arm, closest to the heart, where I have a tattoo in memory of you, and that takes me there instantly.
As for Rob, I think that he never has greived at all. He kept everything to himself.
Me, I used your death as an excuse to party even more, get high and just not care. I ended up marrying Beth, but that did not work out, as I married her for the wrong reasons. I felt that I had to carry on our name, not thinking about being in love or not, cause I was'nt. But you knew all that, did'nt you?
After six years of a failing marriage, tons of therepy,drugs, and getting injured rescuing a kid, my marriage ended. But you knew that would happen. You always thought that my relationship with her was trouble, and you were right, again. But you never said anything, you let me live and find out for myself.
But, aftter all these lessons, all three of us turned out well, I just wish that you were here to see how we all turned out.
Cindy has three wonderful kids and husband, and has done well over the past 20 years. She still forgets the rolls in the oven, as you always did, whenever we get together for the holidays.She is the backbone of the family now.
Rob, he has had it rough. But in the end he has turned out well also. He has a wonderful family with a wondeful wife and three kids. I guess you left it up to him to carry on our name.
Dad, well, who knows. he met another woman six months after you died.She really never accepted us as a family and she wanted us to change the way we celebrated Christmas, but that never happened.She changed dad, but then again, dad needed somebody in his life to fill the void that you left.Of course, no one could ever replace you, we all know that. As for me, I did ok too. I left NY and moved south like uncle Billy. He even helped me out quite a bit. He instilled in me the meaning of family, even though we never spent that much time with him growing up, he still opened his house up to me and gave me a place to rest my head at times.I traveled around the country working and trying to make ends meet. I even had to start all over again. But, you gave me the strength to carry on. You also gave me Rebel to be there for me and guide me.I became a sucessful truck driver and home owner, I wish you were here to see me now.
You may not be here in body, but I know that you sit on my shoulder to guide me, even though I don't listen at times, that is the thick headedness that you left me.
I remember some signs very well. One night when I was coming out of CA, I stopped for the night in New Mexico. I was quite upset about a relationship, and asked you for guidence. Well, I was awaken in the middle of the night to find the dome light on over the passenger seat, and a phone number on my cell. I never turned on that light, and I never heard the cell phone ring. But, I got your message loud and clear. You were riding with me, and she was not the one.
Another time was more recent. Again, I was seeking guidence about a relationship, and being my angel, I knew you would give me the answer. On the radio at that instant, a Mac Davis song, your favorite,came on the radio. I thought, who plays Mac Davis? But, deep inside I knew it was you.Again, you pointed me in the right direction.
I guess what I am saying mom, is that I miss you. I think about you all the time and wish that I had said all the things a son should say while you were here. But I did'nt, and I apologize for that.I have'nt celebrated a holiday since you died. While I tried, and went back to NY several times, it never was the same, I felt like the thrid wheel, a bit out of place.
I want so much to be able to experience the joy of Christmas again,putting up the tree and lights and decorations, having that family brunch and then playing monopoly til all hours of the night, and sharing family life.
I guess when you think that I am ready, you will send me that angel to guide me through the rest of my life.
Well, mom, keep riding in that passenger seat and enjoy the view, there is no other like it.
And thank you for being my biggest cheerleader. I remember that you were the only one that came to my games in high school, protected me from dad when I got a bad report card,and instilled in me to fight for what you think is right. But most of all just being you, a mom. Because that is what you were in all aspects of the word.
I love you and miss you,
Rick
