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50 Reasons Why 'New Moon' Sucked
01 December 09 Tuesday
Current Mood: Wanting red colored contacts
Synopsis from Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide:
The supernatural tale of star-crossed lovers continues as the Cullen family flees Forks in order to protect Bella, and the heartbroken high-school senior discovers that vampires aren't the only creatures in town. Realizing that Bella will never be safe as long as he's around, Edward makes the difficult decision to leave his beloved behind shortly after her 18th birthday. Reeling from her loss, Bella embraces self-destruction after being comforted by Edward's image during a moment of mortal peril. But as heavy-hearted as Bella may be, her old friend Jacob distracts her from her sorrows by helping her renovate a weather-beaten motorbike. When Bella encounters a former adversary with a sizable grudge, she's rescued from harm at the last second by pack of enormous, ferocious wolves. Subsequently delving into the history of the Quileutes, Bella discovers the secrets of Jacob's tribe while looking forward to a reunion with Edward that may have deadly consequences. ~Isn't the movie supposed to be about vampires? I didn't see anyone getting bitten... The choice of wording in the love scenes could have been hand picked from any teen lovey dovey movie from the past, because I predicted everything Edward was going to say without reading the book.
Oh and by the way, if you ever want to look up picture of the Twilight series- don't. It's too hard. You'll only find pictures of Edward and Bella kissing. Like, that's the only Twilight picture in existence. Or Edward without his shirt on. They are just repulsive. I wouldn't waste your time.
50 Reasons Why 'New Moon' Sucked
1. I'm glad they showed a moon in the beginning of 'New Moon'.2. "It's to put a bunch of pictures in." Ahhh, so that's what photo albums are used for? Yeah, it's a photo album, I've heard of those before. Christ, scriptwriter, what are we, 5?3. Edward is 109? And he's never banged anyone in his entire existence? I really cannot believe that.4. "Hello biceps!" Shouldn't be saying that to some other dude so close to your boyfriend- oh, who also happens to be a blood-sucking killer. Don't wanna piss him off.5. A dream catcher? Gee, thanks. I'll burn it when I need some tinder.6. Why is the painting moving? This isn't Harry Potter.7. Again like in the first movie? Cutting herself all the time around these vampires, gettin' blood everywhere.
8. Father's awesome, look at that hair! Only a gem would have bangin' hair like that.
9. They didn't have crazy eyes like this in the first movie.
10. Her blood is like gasoline? He just set it on fire and it poofed up in a hardcore flame.11. "You can't protect me." Obviously, you just threw me across the room and made me cut my arm so I was bleeding ever more than I already was. Asshole.12. She's running after Edward after he just disappeared. We all saw how fast he was in the first movie, and she thinks she's going to catch up with him? I'm confused.13. Everyone else is cold but not me, I'm Indian, and my shirt's off.14. Wouldn't everyone think he just raped her coming out of the woods like that? That didn't cross anyone's mind?15. She's giving birth? Who has dreams like that? Obviously that dream catcher isn't working... She makes a noise like 14 goats gang-raping a guinea pig as loudly as possible in an echo chamber.16. Brush your hair, you look like a caveman.17. She's not even working on the bike and she wants to ride it? She should at least sit there and learn.18. And where's she getting the money to even fund this project? Rebuilding shit like that costs a lot of money.19. The most dramatic cliff dive I've ever seen.20. "Here's the brake; the clutch" She didn't know that? She watched him put it together!21. Your floating head is freaking me out Edward, you're going to make me crash...
22. She did AWESOME for not knowing a single thing about bikes.23. Is it already dried blood b/c she just crashed and he tried wiping it off and it didn't work.24. How do you not like action movies if you are a guy?25. Talk about "I'll never hurt you or leave you." Jake just got uppity with the kid at the theater and left Bella. Way to go breakin' promises.26. She's gonna be fucked for life now because both guys left her in the dust.27. "Go home and don't come back." Wow, that was some baaaaaddddd acting.28. Oh my lord, jesus christ, these things are as big as fucking Volkswagen Beetles. They should have scaled the wolves a bit better.29. "Had a secret you couldn't tell anyone?" Yeah, 'bout the vampires, we kinda already talked about it.30. Don't you think you'd have big ass dog prints and dog shit all in the yard?31. Wouldn't you just feel like a freak magnet. First vampires, then werewolves. Next she'll see a goddamned leprechaun.32. I wouldn't say "werewolf", I'd say GIANT ASS wolf. So all Indians are werewolves? Isn't that kind of racist?33. I've seen a big red dog before. His name was Clifford.
34. The men out searching in the woods are less than 100 yards away from the huge dogs fighting off a vampire. They don't hear all this rumbling and shit?35. Don't you think they could spend a bit more time on the CGI? Michael Bay can make Transformers look real. Twilight blows their budget.36. New type of CPR- just tell the person to breathe.37. "It's a wolf thing." My god, so cheesy.38. Chick who lives with werewolves... lemme get this straight- she got attacked by her fiance who is a wolf because he has a temper problem... and she stayed with him? You should see her fucking face, dude, I would have had that wolf put down.39. Wow, that plane looked so real.40. So dramatically gay, her running through all the people wearing those red capes.
41. She's running to Edward so he won't take off his shirt, which btw he's doing because he wants to die because he thinks she's dead.... why can't she just yell his name and get his attention before he rips off his shirt and then he wouldn't want to... oh, just nvm.42. You know, on the subject of this whole take shirt off thing... He's gonna take the shirt off to show he's a vampire? If I saw a guy with glitter all over him, I'd just think he was gay. Now on the other hand... If he looked like Nosferatu with his shirt off, then yes, that's a bit more understandable.43. Damn, look at those eyes, you can shoot lasers out of them.
44. K what, Bella is immune to vampires? Why?45. He's got khaki's on and she's got some hideous dress and they're running through the forest.... Old Navy commercial?
46. I didn't realize how straight her eyebrows are at the top...
47. Finally some sort of parental advice. I hate how this movie makes it look like it's ok to run away from your parents just anytime you want.48. Edward needs to learn how to put lipstick on. You can see the lines.49. I thought Jake said he can't hurt anyone that's in the Cullen group. He just said that he'll hurt Bella if she becomes a vampire. But wouldn't she be in that group then? So in reality, Jake can't.50. To Jake: "I love you, don't make me choose." But she already chose? She's going with Edward? So wtf? And Edward wants to wait 5 years before he turns her into a vampire? 5 years for what? Why wait if it's gonna happen anyways?
And wait a minute, they wear pants when they're human, but have no pants when they're wolves, but then they magically pull pants out of their skin pockets before they need to turn back into humans?
So why was it called 'New Moon' exactly? Should've been 'Twilight: Big Ass Wolves'? Yeah? FAIL.
Events this week include several movies
via examiner.com
Events of Jewish interest this week in NYC include a musical review and limited screenings of several movies.
50 Reasons Why 'Naked Lunch' Sucked
11 Nov 09 Wednesday
Current Mood: Overwhelmed With Surrealism
This is one of those films that is so mind blowing that it’s baffling. So intelligent that it feels idiotic, and so strange that you wonder if you took something beforehand and forgot about it. Yet it was one that movie critics loved. Screw ‘em. Here's the synopsis:....
This cinematic/literary hybrid fuses motifs from Beat writer William S. Burroughs's novel of the same name with elements of the author's biography and plenty of the cerebral alienation and biomorphic special effects fans of creepy cult director David Cronenberg have come to expect. Bill Lee (Peter Weller) wants to write, but he exterminates bugs to pay the bills. His wife, Joan (Judy Davis), becomes addicted to Bill's bug powder dust, and soon he joins her in a world of unorthodox hallucinogens; he visits the kindly yet sinister Dr. Benway (Roy Scheider) and walks away with his first dose of the black meat -- a narcotic made from the flesh of the giant aquatic Brazilian centipede. Soon, monstrous beetles are whispering conspiracy theories in Bill's ears and his nebbish writer friends Hank (Nicholas Campbell) and Martin (Michael Zelniker) are sleeping with Joan under his nose. When a party trick involving a liquor glass and a gun goes awry, killing Joan, Bill flees to Interzone, a Mediterranean city full of talking insectoid typewriters, double agents, offbeat aesthetes, and plots within plots. As he navigates this paranoid landscape, Bill begins ingesting another drug called mugwump jism and writes fragments that Hank and Martin soon assemble into a novel under the title Naked Lunch.
50 Reasons Why ‘Naked Lunch’ Sucked
- I think Peter Weller just wanted a break from Robocop, you know, expand his horizons…
- Ridiculously long beginning credits. Nearly 3 minutes of credits.....
- 2 guys in diner using too many adjectives to make themselves sound smart. Are all writers that… deep?....
- Is that the exterminator dress code? Brown suit with 50’s hat?....
- Shooting up bug powder in her tit. What makes you even begin to think that’s a good idea?
- “You feel like a bug.” Why the fuck would you want to feel like a bug?
- Exterminators eat their own poison on a regular basis.....
- This guy’s not flipping out over seeing a huge cockroach? And why the F is the bug not dying? It’s swimming around in the bug powder.....
- The cockroach’s asshole is talking. It wants Robocop to rub powder on his “lips”.
- The roach just spent forever explaining what “Interzone” is but I’m still sitting here wondering what it is or what they do.....
- Love this crazy jazz music as he’s escaping the interrogation room.....
- She’s killing huge roaches by breathing on them. Wait, why does everyone have this big of an infestation in their homes?
- That’s sad that exterminators are so hopped up on this shit that they have a business card for a doctor that can get them off of it. They’ve got connections.....
- Wtf is he crying? Is he allergic to centipedes? I’m confused.....
- Dude wtf his wife is fucking his friend right in front of him and his other friend just offered Robocop to join with him. “Hank and I just got bored. It wasn’t serious.” That’s not a good enough reason to be doing that!
- Wtf. He just shot his wife and killed her. By accident. And he just left her laying there. That’s not going to look bad later.
- What in the hell alien sea creature sitting at a dive bar? Wait, what is Robocop doing in a dive bar in the first place?
- Apparently you can grind centipedes in meat grinders and they come out looking like ground up black meat. They’re HUGE centipedes too!
- “May I?” Well that’s why I had my little Saudi slave kid bring a huge plate of it out fucktard.....
- Excuse me Sir, I believe your typewrite needs to have an exorcism performed OK NOW IT’S A BUG.
- How is Robocop all of a sudden and “agent”? Exterminator to Secret Agent Man?
- What does being a homo have anything to help with having a cover?
- Typewriter bug is getting off to Robocop typing on him.....
- What type of accent is this black centipede guy supposed to have?
- How was he able to talk to him telepathically? Seems so simple.....
- Now who’s this character? Dude in suit just woke Robocop up. Too many characters that aren’t developed.....
- What is the big infatuation with being gay in this movie?
- He just breathed on a centipede in his shower and it died. I wish I had that power.
- Addicted to something that doesn’t exist? The black powder? He has it in his hands. So yes, it does in fact, exist.....
- Dude, his insect typewrites just pwnd another bug typewriter. Typewriters are very territorial creatures.
- Aww wtf the typewriter has a penis! Where are you supposed to put the paper in?
- AND WTF there’s some crazy THING having sex with them, or just humping them. Now, that’s disturbing.....
- The housekeeper just came in and started yelling at the lady who owns that place. Yelling at her for misbehaving. Since when do housekeepers have any authority?....
- Don’t let your housekeeper get a hold of any blood, pubic hair, or teeth, or she’ll control your mind. That’s what I get out of this.....
- Wtf does this bitch have anything to do with anything?....
- What is Robocop bruising from? Putting powder on his neck?
- Why’s he sleeping on the beach when he’s got a place to live? And how did his friends all of a sudden get there and even know where he was?
- Someone explain what a “Naked Lunch” is?
- There is wayyyyy too much pointless dialogue.....
- “New Orleans.... is a dead museum.” Nice. I love that quote for some reason.....
- Fucking 1:22:59 retard pigeon won’t stop smacking into a wall in the background.....
- His typewrite was just oozing white stuff.
- His typewriter just turned from a weird head into a full creature like the one at the dive bar.
- Noxema in a pink tube on a shelf. Old skool style.....
- Here we go with another stupid convo, this time in a car.....
- What are these shots of a side of a road with people walking for? Pointless.....
- Dude DUDE gay cockroach man in parrot cage with… god, I can’t even explain!....
- They’re sucking gizz out of those creatures that are all shackled up. I’m not sure what this place is supposed to be or represent…
- 106 minutes: Roy Scheider dressed as a large German woman. You will never see this again, folks.....
- And Robocop just killed another woman. Doesn’t learn. And I’m still confused as shit.....
FAIL beyond all other movies. Just... fucking... fail.
50 Reasons Why 'Breakfast on Pluto' Sucked
07 Oct 09 Wednesday
Current Mood: Oh so fabulous!
Dude, after this I am coming out with disclaimer for future 50's: DO NOT SEND ME ANYMORE REQUESTS DEALING WITH GAY/TRANSGENDERED FILMS. I WILL NOT WATCH THEM. I have decided that I will read the plots of movies before starting them. It's not that I'm anti-gay, I'm just really sick of seeing men on men. Done with it, not interesting. Ok, moving on...As far as this fucker goes, *sigh*, damn. The film covers everything, but strangely nothing at all. Maybe the problem was too much content--it needed to focus on a smaller scale and really develop the characters. Even the significant moments of 'Kitten's' life are seemingly glossed over. Even though she walks the streets, gets picked up by strange men, works in a prostitution house--she never has sex. It's all so vague, so surface. With nothing to hold on to--I just let go. At the center of "Breakfast" is an emotional void. The film does have a weird and funky soundtrack but overall, I was left flat and uncaring about 'Kitten' and her story. Here is the synopsis from Fandango:Set in the 1970's, Breakfast on Pluto follows the exploits of Patrick Braden (Cillian Murphy), an endearing, but deceptively tough young man. Abandoned as a baby in his small Irish hometown and aware from a very early age that he is different, Patrick survives this harsh environment with the aid of his wit and charm, plus a sweet refusal to let anyone and anything change who he is. The director weaves a wonderfully surreal and magical tale to bring us this funny, moving and poignant rites of passage account of a young man enduring the trials and tribulations he faces with a smile and unwavering faith in the inherent goodness in us all.And this is what a fan critic said, something that I COMPLETELY agree with:
Whilst I'd be hard pushed to fault the visuals ,sound track , cinematography and general aesthetic of this film, I couldn't help but walk away with the feeling that this film was one of those "all glossy veneer and no substance" affairs. Even as a piece of fluffy - feel good quirkiness - it doesn't work. the characters are so non-descript - distinguishable from each other only by their cloths and terrible performances. The lead character for a start struck me as severely retarded - he floats through the film barely uttering 1 meaningful coherent sentence - peppers every scene he's in with the most poorly delivered drivel (whom ever "toiled" over the "storyline" and "dialogue" - don't give up your day job) too awful for words. Avoid this - instead see "velvet goldmine" a film far superior to this that manages to do brilliantly what this fails miserably at trying to do. I always wonder how cringe worthy rubbish like this gets commissioned.
Now here's the trailer:
And here's 50 Reasons as to why it sucks:
50 Reasons Why 'Breakfast on Pluto' Sucked
1. I don't know why they keep showing these computer animated narrating birds. Stupid, could've done without them.2. See, the mother knew from the beginning the kid was gonna be gay. That's why she left him on a door step.3. WTF is this, seriously, the birds can be done now.4. She's trying to scrub the gay off of him.
5. His dream in playing football is with a dress on wow, trying too hard to show that he's super queer.
6. Are all of these like, mini-chapters? At least they're going quick, we're already on chapter 6.7. Wtf, the maid is talking to the priest's junk.8. This is a horrible priest, he has no self-control.9. Home Ec and needlework instead of P.E.? It's not that easy to just change classes like that in a real school, P.E. was mandatory.10. Look at all of his button flare on his jacket, jesus.11. Is he wearing Big Bird? Since when was that fashionable? Here's a clip of him as Big Bird... well at the end, you get to listen to his pansy soft voice for the majority of it.
12. Getting a lift from strange bikers.... yeah, awesome idea. This kid's life is bound to be fucked, making stupid choices like this.13. At least this movie isn't discriminating in any way, they covered all aspects. This transgendered kid is friends with a black girl and a sped.14. Look at that 70's cigarette! Looks like a damn straw!15. Pluto's not a planet; it's a moon now, idiot.16. With those kids, that problem box needs to be like, 10x bigger.17. Wow, this music... very straight to the point: "Breakin' my heart, tearin' it up, so fuck you..."18. So he just drops out of school and moves out? Didn't really explain shit right there.19. Billy Hatchet- who is this- a fucking gay Bono wannabe?
20. I can't believe I'm still watching this. I was gonna say that I'm fucking sick of Neil Jordan only making movies about Irish politics, and of course he's got it in this too, but that's actually the only reason why I haven't turned it off yet.21. K, scene needs to cut, enough dancing and shitty music, cut now please CUT.22. Still hasn't explained if Bono knows this is a dude, they're getting awfully close to each other...23. He talks wayyyy too quietly. I keep having to turn up my volume and then when it actually gets loud I'm sure all my neighbors are hearing me watching this shit and wondering why I'm blaring a guy speaking so fruity.24. I can't think of this actor in any other way but 28 Days Later. He plays a horrible role as a gay.25. What happens when they both spring boners while hugging?26. These two haven't done it yet? They're like, 3 gigs into it and I haven't seen anything more than a hug, mind you I'm not upset but it just doesn't seem like a realistic relationship to me.27. #13 Secret Places, cheesy music. Crap. I hope I don't see them try to put things in each other's butts.28. Haha, he's ditching him here in a trailer. I really don't see where this plot is going. Oh that's right, nowhere.
29. Don't mind, we just ran in here to dump more guns on top of guns.30. Did the tard get blown up- oh yes, yes he did.
31. At this point, if you know nothing about Irish history, you'll be confused as shit.32. Fucking idiot threw the guns into the water and just kept saying "spring cleaning". 33. Movie's moving rather quickly but not indulging in any of the characters. Still.34. "In which I get out of my own league" So he talked his way out of getting killed by saying that he really wanted to be shot. I'm confused. I should try that next time I'm being held at gun point.35. So his friend is on the baddie's side? And what does this have anything to do with anything?36. I'm not even sure WHY this is movie-worthy. There's nothing out of the ordinary or interesting about this story. At all.37. "City that never sleeps" is VEGAS, not London, gay tard.38. Music doesn't fit at all, well, what's the mood of this film supposed to be anyway?39. Where's he getting money for all these outfits? Shit's real fur.
40. Um, he moved into the Keebler Elf House? I'm confused as shit now.41. So he just all of a sudden got a job bc he slept in the Keebler Elf's house? This amusement park troll thing is eerie.
42. K, so he fends off some random dude in a car by spraying his face with perfume and runs off, forgetting his coat in the guy's car. But now he's wearing it again.43. How does this guy know Kitten's been in this restaurant for 4 hours? Creepy shit.44. How is this gay guy so interesting. People like, flock to him and the movie is making it out to be that he has some sort of personality or hotness.45. WTFing creepy guy in the restaurant is a magician and why does he keep asking about the gay guy's mom?46. What the hell, the black chick randomly shows up in London and takes him away from the magician. How did she know where he was and why did she take him away?
47. Christ, I'm half asleep and a fucking bomb just went off in the movie, scared the shit outta me, Jesus, give me a heart attack. That's what I was talking about, they talk too quietly- I turn up the sound and then BOOM, I'm deaf.48. So the gay guy is a killer now? Wtf, I'm confused. And is this a rape scene or an interrogation?49. I won't ever be able to watch '28 Days Later' the same ever again. Kinda would make sense though, in the beginning he wakes up in an empty hospital, not knowing who he is or what happened. This movie is a lead up to '28 Days Later'...50. I don't understand this gay guy's fantasy life. He gave the cops a bullshit story and they're letting him go? I'm so confused. I'm done with this crap. Yeah, done.
Apparently the movie goes on a bit more, where he finds his mom but then doesn't even care about it anymore and he ends up taking care of the black girl's baby with her. So basically it ends with a "there is no point to anything that just happened in the past 130 minutes" feeling. A definite FAIL.
50 Reasons Why 'Party Monster' Sucked
07 Jul 09 Tuesday
Current Mood: Colorful. Oh, and wanting to randomly play with glow sticks now.
Set in the New York club scene of the late 1980's thru the 1990's, a tale which chronicles the rise and fall of "club-kid" promoter Michael Alig, a party organizer, whose extravagant life was sent spiraling downward when he boasted on television that he had killed his "friend", roommate, and drug dealer, Angel Melendez. Originally from Indiana, Alig moved to New York, and came to be an underground legend, known for his excessive drug use and outrageous behavior in the club world. At his peak, he had his own record label, and magazine, and hosted Disco 2000, one of the biggest club nights in New York in the '90s. He was doing a lot of drugs, and as his addiction got worse, his party themes became darker and more twisted. Alig's saga reached its tragic crescendo when he viciously murdered his drug dealer, Angel, by injecting him with Drano and throwing him in the East River. The power he wielded on the club scene made him feel untouchable, so he didn't hesitate to boast of the murder. The press thought it was a publicity stunt--until Angel's body washed ashore.Here's what I thought. Honestly, I could ramble on a bit but I'll try and keep it short. This was made in 2003. It looks like it was done by the same camera Bruce Campbell used to make Evil Dead. Almost everything is fuzzy, even close-ups of faces. I'd almost think the cameras were out of focus except it's in portions of the video and not the whole screen. As a result, color levels are somewhat faded and weak. With all of the outrageous outfits the kids wear, the movie should be an explosion of color. Instead, everything looks like it it's been washed and faded. I realize this is an indie production but this is seriously the weakest effort I've seen.I read a few reviews online and this guy, Andy Patrizio, says this: The only real fault of the film is it makes no attempt to find any humanity in Alig at all. Obviously he can't claim self-defense in the murder of Angel, because even if Angel threatened him for his money and Alig was drugged out, when you inject Draino into a human being, you're crossed a line that should not be crossed. Or maybe co-writers/co-directors Fenton Bailey and Randy Barbato simply couldn't crack Alig's exterior of self-absorption. I agree with Andy guy. Plus, Macaulay Culkin... his faux gay accent is, well, not good. He just doesn't have the swish in him, despite his very soft, almost feminine appearance. Btw, if you're not gay or like flamboyant anything- don't watch this movie. Mark said to sum it all up "It's just an hour and 34 minutes of gay."So here it is...
..
50 Reasons Why Party Monster Sucked1. Seriously.. Macaulay Culkin- Home Alone to this?????2. "He wasn't interested in crawling or walking; just run, run, run." Oh, you mean "suck, blow, suck."3. I can't believe all the big named people in this movie. Marilyn Manson is the only one that actually makes sense in this film.
4. Ooh, Macaulay offered Fez two drink tickets. He's so going gay now.5. They are walking through New York at Night & you can totally see the distinctive "green x" logo of Microsoft's X-Box in an advertisement. Isn't this supposed to be set in the 80's?6. "I'm pretty sure half the fun of eating meat is hacking it up." The lines the actors have to say in order to make them seem more gay....7. Wow thanks, a giant clock. I really needed one of those.8. And apparently all gays have big vocabularies.9. Ok, the one eyed manager is bitching about how Macaulay's not making him any money and yet he still bought him the expensive ass clock.
10. Of course, Madonna is supposedly the best besides techno.11. The party in the truck didn't even last one minute before the cops showed up and honestly, one squad car to handle all of those people?
12. He used to be a hat maker and now he's a drug dealer? So random. And I'm glad I know that useless bit of information now, thank you for that.13. Giving drugs to the kitty omg.14. "Duh Face" ?? Wow, what an insult. I'm so offended. I take back that they have big vocabularies or I'll just blame it on the drugs.15. It's weird to hear "Total Eclipse of the Heart" bc it's so unlike the rest of the score in the film.16. "Nice hot cup of hot chocolate." You mean hot cum.17. What kind of wrestling were you doing to make the dad freak out? I thought dad's like their sons on the wrestling team?18. Wayyyyyy too many gay inuendos. We get it, move on.19. Where the fuck is this movie even supposed to be going?20. "It's like a see-saw, but neither of us can get off." Was that subliminal?21. Lightly toasted animal tranquilizer? You put that shit in the oven? I wouldn't think that'd make a difference.22. MANSON DIED????? He (or rather she) was the best thing in this movie!23. I can't believe it took that guy that long to figure out he had a coke dish from the oven just sitting on his ass. He deserves the burns.24. Why is there a big T-bone steak walking down the street?25. I don't understand how every guy is turning gay for Macaulay.26. Halfway through this and there's finally a female in the film.27. "If you have a hunchback, just throw a little glitter on it and go dancing."
28. "What happened when you took that (ectasy)?" "Well my headache went away." TOTALLY GUESSED SHE WAS GOING TO SAY THAT.29. Seriously, I wanna know how he lost his eye.30. "I won't do crack without heroin." Yeahhhh, I don't think it works that way.31. This just became Daft Punk. And these costumes are very extreme and elaborate, so much more than any amateur could be expected to create on a daily basis. It's just not believable. 32. What is this montage of the manager, drugs, sheet tent, sappy music, etc. even supposed to be about?33. Yeah, your 'rock' fell behind the radiator across the room. This stereotype, exaggerated acting trying to portray gay drug addicts is getting tiresome.34. Ooh, gay fight. Macaulay's sooooo intimidating. Pfft.35. The TV still works even after being thrown and busting through a table.36. At least he got a severance package out of it since the club was busted and shut down right afterwards.37. Montage of sadness, things aren't going Macaulay's way. This seriously just seems like a biography of his actual life.38. Omg kitty's dead. Way to go. What's worse is that he's still laying next to it. It just proves how gays cannot coexist with pussy.39. This Angel guy is really getting annoying about asking for his money.40. I can't believe they totally left the body in the apartment for that long and the girl with the dreads totally thought it was just a plumbing problem.41. So they go from club kids to wanting to be hippies?42. Btw, Mark hasn't helped at all doing this 50. He just keeps complaining that "It's gay." (Every 5 minutes that's exactly what comes out of his mouth.)43. She totally let him piss in the bath tub with her in it. Omg now they're squirting the bath water out of their mouths.44. She's more manly than he is, holding him while they sleep.45. Montage of writing book. Wait, it's blank. Did his pen not work? That's what he gets for trying to use on eof those old school ink pens.46. What does a stomach ache have anything to do with being broke?47. WTFing rat? Wait, so they're trying to end this movie with a big rat saying he saw it all?
48. Montage of murder and sappy music. The music just seems a little out of place. Maybe if it were techno it would've flowed better.49. A big rat. I get it- it ratted him out. Stupid, stupid, stupid.50. Disco Bloodbath. How fitting. I'm shocked this movie didn't have an epilogue. Seems like it should have.
4. Ooh, Macaulay offered Fez two drink tickets. He's so going gay now.5. They are walking through New York at Night & you can totally see the distinctive "green x" logo of Microsoft's X-Box in an advertisement. Isn't this supposed to be set in the 80's?6. "I'm pretty sure half the fun of eating meat is hacking it up." The lines the actors have to say in order to make them seem more gay....7. Wow thanks, a giant clock. I really needed one of those.8. And apparently all gays have big vocabularies.9. Ok, the one eyed manager is bitching about how Macaulay's not making him any money and yet he still bought him the expensive ass clock.
10. Of course, Madonna is supposedly the best besides techno.11. The party in the truck didn't even last one minute before the cops showed up and honestly, one squad car to handle all of those people?12. He used to be a hat maker and now he's a drug dealer? So random. And I'm glad I know that useless bit of information now, thank you for that.13. Giving drugs to the kitty omg.14. "Duh Face" ?? Wow, what an insult. I'm so offended. I take back that they have big vocabularies or I'll just blame it on the drugs.15. It's weird to hear "Total Eclipse of the Heart" bc it's so unlike the rest of the score in the film.16. "Nice hot cup of hot chocolate." You mean hot cum.17. What kind of wrestling were you doing to make the dad freak out? I thought dad's like their sons on the wrestling team?18. Wayyyyyy too many gay inuendos. We get it, move on.19. Where the fuck is this movie even supposed to be going?20. "It's like a see-saw, but neither of us can get off." Was that subliminal?21. Lightly toasted animal tranquilizer? You put that shit in the oven? I wouldn't think that'd make a difference.22. MANSON DIED????? He (or rather she) was the best thing in this movie!23. I can't believe it took that guy that long to figure out he had a coke dish from the oven just sitting on his ass. He deserves the burns.24. Why is there a big T-bone steak walking down the street?25. I don't understand how every guy is turning gay for Macaulay.26. Halfway through this and there's finally a female in the film.27. "If you have a hunchback, just throw a little glitter on it and go dancing."28. "What happened when you took that (ectasy)?" "Well my headache went away." TOTALLY GUESSED SHE WAS GOING TO SAY THAT.29. Seriously, I wanna know how he lost his eye.30. "I won't do crack without heroin." Yeahhhh, I don't think it works that way.31. This just became Daft Punk. And these costumes are very extreme and elaborate, so much more than any amateur could be expected to create on a daily basis. It's just not believable. 32. What is this montage of the manager, drugs, sheet tent, sappy music, etc. even supposed to be about?33. Yeah, your 'rock' fell behind the radiator across the room. This stereotype, exaggerated acting trying to portray gay drug addicts is getting tiresome.34. Ooh, gay fight. Macaulay's sooooo intimidating. Pfft.35. The TV still works even after being thrown and busting through a table.36. At least he got a severance package out of it since the club was busted and shut down right afterwards.37. Montage of sadness, things aren't going Macaulay's way. This seriously just seems like a biography of his actual life.38. Omg kitty's dead. Way to go. What's worse is that he's still laying next to it. It just proves how gays cannot coexist with pussy.39. This Angel guy is really getting annoying about asking for his money.40. I can't believe they totally left the body in the apartment for that long and the girl with the dreads totally thought it was just a plumbing problem.41. So they go from club kids to wanting to be hippies?42. Btw, Mark hasn't helped at all doing this 50. He just keeps complaining that "It's gay." (Every 5 minutes that's exactly what comes out of his mouth.)43. She totally let him piss in the bath tub with her in it. Omg now they're squirting the bath water out of their mouths.44. She's more manly than he is, holding him while they sleep.45. Montage of writing book. Wait, it's blank. Did his pen not work? That's what he gets for trying to use on eof those old school ink pens.46. What does a stomach ache have anything to do with being broke?47. WTFing rat? Wait, so they're trying to end this movie with a big rat saying he saw it all?48. Montage of murder and sappy music. The music just seems a little out of place. Maybe if it were techno it would've flowed better.49. A big rat. I get it- it ratted him out. Stupid, stupid, stupid.50. Disco Bloodbath. How fitting. I'm shocked this movie didn't have an epilogue. Seems like it should have.This movie was hard to get through. And when I say hard, I don't mean like, it was so powerful that I had to pause it every now and then. I mean hard like I was looking at the clock every minute and noticed that the second hand had only moved about 2 centimeters. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why 'The Hole Sucked'
16 Jun 09 Tuesday
Current Mood: Forgotten.
A lot of people have never heard of this movie before, but surprisingly it's got a bunch of well known actors like Thora Birch, Kiera Knightley, and that chick that played in Thirteen Ghosts. But here's also a terrible plot that's as inconsistent as Thora Birch's upper-class Brit accent. I should suggest that she never attempt that again. The film revolves around a group of four college students in the UK. During a break from school, they break from the organized group of students and choose to be locked in an old military bunker, which seems like little more than a spacious hole in the ground with some running water. Unfortunately, instead of being down there for a few super-fun days, the group is trapped down there for a lofty couple weeks and going a little stir crazy, right up until they go a little dead. The story is recounted by Thora Birch as she is the only survivor… but, of course, how much of her story is true and how much is not?Honestly, they should have called it "The [Massive] Hole in the Plot"
50 Reasons Why The Hole Sucked1. Thora/Liz doesn't have a cellphone but she's got a quarter for a payphone? Wait, she's dialing '911'....in the UK it's '999'. Wtf. You can even hear her whisper to herself the words "nine one one".
2. After Liz is stuck in 'the hole' for 18 days the shrink/cop says, "Don't make it sound so terrible," all sarcastically. 3. In this school, your popularity is governed by your nightie.4. Do they really have Pringles over in Europe?5. Let's secretly scheme in a super echoey stairwell.6. So four people stuck in a hole for a week instead of going to Wales? Yeah, sounds like sooo much fun.7. I hope they're drinking. How lame would that be?8. I think these two guys are totally gay for each other.
9. Who really tells ghost stories? Do they really not have any alcohol, god this sucks.10. She keeps shining the flashlight in everyone's faces.
11. She supposedly keeps seeing a shadow over the door and never says anything to anyone.12. They think those are microphones? They look more like air vents to me...13. It'd be awesome if that really were the ending, this movie can only get worse.14. It's raining really hard and the shrink/cop left her convertible down... in the UK... where it rains often. Why even own a convertible. That's like owning one in Seattle.15. This Marvin kid has 'vulcan eyebrows' just like Samantha Mumba in 'Girl Eats Boy'. Maybe it's a Western Europe thing.16. Thora Birch cannot play as a popular girl, it's not convincing whatsoever.17. Wtf, she's a psycho, now she's seeing dead people in hallways.18. Thora really needs a pushup bra. Not just this movie, but in every film she plays.19. Most of the nudity takes place in a men's shower/locker room—and there appear to be erections for some reason. Sure nudity is great an' all, but what the hell? Seemed like a really cheap way to get a reaction out of a viewing audience. Seriously, you only see Kiera's boobs for not even two seconds.20. Kiera's bitching about how dark it is but you can see her really well:
21. Detective asks another detective, "What are we doing here?" as they are going up to 'the hole'. Hurr Durr. It's only a crime scene and all.22. Go figure, the 'microphones' really are just vents. See where all mommy and daddy's money is going? I didn't go to a priss school and I'm smarter than that.23. Marvin is outside psycho's house and she's holding a cookie jar and she's gonna get scared and drop it. Oh wow, that just happened, how shocking.24. Her house is next to a super loud trout farm? Or is that a mini dam?25. Double edged sword: She's freaked out and scared someone's gonna get her, but she won't close and lock any doors.26. With her mental state, they wouldn't let her back in 'the hole'.27. I still don't see why she locked them all down there. It's not like she won't see them after the vacation, it's not like the last day of senior year.
28. Everyone was just yelling at her and now they're comforting her just because she started crying.29. So this is a 40 year old WWII bunker and just now the electricity and water is going out?30. They've got limited water supply. She's smoking and they're about to do it. Talk about dehydration.31. What'd Kiera just die? How? Her mouth was all bloody but that doesn't really explain anything.32. Oh, bulimia... but only after 10 days?33. Ew, Thora's rubbing her face after touching the body.34. Why doesn't she just unlock the door, it's not like anyone's gonna wanna have sex now...35. Really, is this an unfinished bunker?36. Why doesn't she just fucking tell him instead of just repeating, "I have something to tell you. But really, I have something to tell you."37. Death over a soda. He said he was gonna share...38. I would never tell anyone I had the key the whole time, I would just pretend I found it.39. "We could go together." And she's holding a Swiss Army Knife, lol. Yeah, that'll do it.40. Terrible foreshadowing of ladder breaking, they showed that already swaying in the beginning when they first climbed down into 'the hole'. I'm pretty sure we get it. We know what's gonna happen, thanks.41. Omg, she just told him she had the key the whole time. What an idiot, of course he's gonna flip out.42. Her crying sounds much more like a laugh. 43. Shrink/cop never had a recorder with her when she took Thora back to 'the hole'? What'd she think they'd just waltz on down in theer and talk about the weather?44. Why does Thora have a space blanket on? It's not like she got stuck down in 'the hole' again. And how is it that every time someone goe sthrough an accident of some sort, a space blanket makes everyone all better?45. Her lame, "help me, help me. I thought she (shrink/cop) was going to hurt me" and the other cops believed her. Terrible acting.46. Wait... why would a war bunker lock from the outside???47. The attempts at trying make Thora look evil and manipulative are extremely laughable.47. Did the cops even speak to anyone at the school about what happened? The whole basis of the film is that Liz was a geeky kid who wanted to be friends with the cool kids. I don't know about anyone else's school but i know if one of the 'cool' kids at mine tried to pull off a story like that, there'd be a line of every other kid in the school waiting to tell the cops that their story and the police work is nothing short of pathetic.48. K wait, that guy is impaled on the ladder Liz would have needed to have used to get out. That's at least one homicide, They would not have let her go home, she'd be in some serious questioning.49. When Liz came out, the door was OPEN. If Martin was 'with his parents', who the hell could open it without a key? Omg, and Martin has a perfect alibi, yet he's the suspect from the beginning and nobody believes him. But, since they find him (dead) with the key, he MUST be guilty. And Liz must surely be rather strong, if she can plunge him in the river so easily. And rather quick, to put the key in his pocket without anybody (in the audience) noticing. Martin dies only a few yards away from Liz's house, but no one seems to care about that.The door key magically appeared in Martin's pockets some time before, because he won't let us know who gave it to him, and if we knew it, that would mean that someone else knew about the existence of the hole, and that would have made it too complex for the writers.50. This is really pissing me off, actually, about the whole key thing because we never know how after 40 years, the key became available. Then we learn that this key works from both sides of the door. But the key is not the type that would be used on a war bunker door. And the door is very heavy steel, yet it can be easily lifted. Moreover it has a large air hole in it which if it was real would have meant that the bomb shelter would have been filled with rats, leaves, and other debris. Seriously, wtf.
2. After Liz is stuck in 'the hole' for 18 days the shrink/cop says, "Don't make it sound so terrible," all sarcastically. 3. In this school, your popularity is governed by your nightie.4. Do they really have Pringles over in Europe?5. Let's secretly scheme in a super echoey stairwell.6. So four people stuck in a hole for a week instead of going to Wales? Yeah, sounds like sooo much fun.7. I hope they're drinking. How lame would that be?8. I think these two guys are totally gay for each other.9. Who really tells ghost stories? Do they really not have any alcohol, god this sucks.10. She keeps shining the flashlight in everyone's faces.11. She supposedly keeps seeing a shadow over the door and never says anything to anyone.12. They think those are microphones? They look more like air vents to me...13. It'd be awesome if that really were the ending, this movie can only get worse.14. It's raining really hard and the shrink/cop left her convertible down... in the UK... where it rains often. Why even own a convertible. That's like owning one in Seattle.15. This Marvin kid has 'vulcan eyebrows' just like Samantha Mumba in 'Girl Eats Boy'. Maybe it's a Western Europe thing.16. Thora Birch cannot play as a popular girl, it's not convincing whatsoever.17. Wtf, she's a psycho, now she's seeing dead people in hallways.18. Thora really needs a pushup bra. Not just this movie, but in every film she plays.19. Most of the nudity takes place in a men's shower/locker room—and there appear to be erections for some reason. Sure nudity is great an' all, but what the hell? Seemed like a really cheap way to get a reaction out of a viewing audience. Seriously, you only see Kiera's boobs for not even two seconds.20. Kiera's bitching about how dark it is but you can see her really well:21. Detective asks another detective, "What are we doing here?" as they are going up to 'the hole'. Hurr Durr. It's only a crime scene and all.22. Go figure, the 'microphones' really are just vents. See where all mommy and daddy's money is going? I didn't go to a priss school and I'm smarter than that.23. Marvin is outside psycho's house and she's holding a cookie jar and she's gonna get scared and drop it. Oh wow, that just happened, how shocking.24. Her house is next to a super loud trout farm? Or is that a mini dam?25. Double edged sword: She's freaked out and scared someone's gonna get her, but she won't close and lock any doors.26. With her mental state, they wouldn't let her back in 'the hole'.27. I still don't see why she locked them all down there. It's not like she won't see them after the vacation, it's not like the last day of senior year.28. Everyone was just yelling at her and now they're comforting her just because she started crying.29. So this is a 40 year old WWII bunker and just now the electricity and water is going out?30. They've got limited water supply. She's smoking and they're about to do it. Talk about dehydration.31. What'd Kiera just die? How? Her mouth was all bloody but that doesn't really explain anything.32. Oh, bulimia... but only after 10 days?33. Ew, Thora's rubbing her face after touching the body.34. Why doesn't she just unlock the door, it's not like anyone's gonna wanna have sex now...35. Really, is this an unfinished bunker?36. Why doesn't she just fucking tell him instead of just repeating, "I have something to tell you. But really, I have something to tell you."37. Death over a soda. He said he was gonna share...38. I would never tell anyone I had the key the whole time, I would just pretend I found it.39. "We could go together." And she's holding a Swiss Army Knife, lol. Yeah, that'll do it.40. Terrible foreshadowing of ladder breaking, they showed that already swaying in the beginning when they first climbed down into 'the hole'. I'm pretty sure we get it. We know what's gonna happen, thanks.41. Omg, she just told him she had the key the whole time. What an idiot, of course he's gonna flip out.42. Her crying sounds much more like a laugh. 43. Shrink/cop never had a recorder with her when she took Thora back to 'the hole'? What'd she think they'd just waltz on down in theer and talk about the weather?44. Why does Thora have a space blanket on? It's not like she got stuck down in 'the hole' again. And how is it that every time someone goe sthrough an accident of some sort, a space blanket makes everyone all better?45. Her lame, "help me, help me. I thought she (shrink/cop) was going to hurt me" and the other cops believed her. Terrible acting.46. Wait... why would a war bunker lock from the outside???47. The attempts at trying make Thora look evil and manipulative are extremely laughable.47. Did the cops even speak to anyone at the school about what happened? The whole basis of the film is that Liz was a geeky kid who wanted to be friends with the cool kids. I don't know about anyone else's school but i know if one of the 'cool' kids at mine tried to pull off a story like that, there'd be a line of every other kid in the school waiting to tell the cops that their story and the police work is nothing short of pathetic.48. K wait, that guy is impaled on the ladder Liz would have needed to have used to get out. That's at least one homicide, They would not have let her go home, she'd be in some serious questioning.49. When Liz came out, the door was OPEN. If Martin was 'with his parents', who the hell could open it without a key? Omg, and Martin has a perfect alibi, yet he's the suspect from the beginning and nobody believes him. But, since they find him (dead) with the key, he MUST be guilty. And Liz must surely be rather strong, if she can plunge him in the river so easily. And rather quick, to put the key in his pocket without anybody (in the audience) noticing. Martin dies only a few yards away from Liz's house, but no one seems to care about that.The door key magically appeared in Martin's pockets some time before, because he won't let us know who gave it to him, and if we knew it, that would mean that someone else knew about the existence of the hole, and that would have made it too complex for the writers.50. This is really pissing me off, actually, about the whole key thing because we never know how after 40 years, the key became available. Then we learn that this key works from both sides of the door. But the key is not the type that would be used on a war bunker door. And the door is very heavy steel, yet it can be easily lifted. Moreover it has a large air hole in it which if it was real would have meant that the bomb shelter would have been filled with rats, leaves, and other debris. Seriously, wtf.
I'm just irritated now. "I killed my best friend for a Coke" was probably the line of the movie. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why 'The Invisible' Sucked
16 Jun 09 Tuesday
Current Mood: Teeny Bopper Angst
From the producers of "The Sixth Sense" and the co-writer of "Batman Begins", "The Invisible" is a supernatural thriller about a writer who finds himself trapped between the world of the living and the dead-completely invisible to the living. Nick has a bright future until he is brutally attacked and left for dead. Now in limbo, his only chance to live again is to figure out the mystery of what happened to him and why, before his time runs out. But how do you solve a murder, when the victim is you?Yeeahhhhh... What I really got out of this was that it's a bunch of 25 year olds pretending to be teenagers and all they do is mitch and boan about how awful their lives are, how terrible the hero's mother is, and on and on. Oh, and a cute, pretty 16 year old girl who runs the rich kids' high school's crime gang. Believe my synopsis over anything.
50 Reasons Why The Invisible Sucked1. In the opening scene the should have never shown the title. It should have just been "The " or maybe in like clear letters with a drop shadow. See, that shit would have been clever.2. The mother is talking about how hard it is for her and her son. Hard times? You guys have enough money for a white butler.3. Awww, he made his happy bacon face a frowny bacon face.4. If someone cut my finger I'd be turning them into the cops, especially that little cunt. All over a cellphone, fuck.5. His poem, lol, I have no idea what you're talking about. So stupid.
6. Ew, she just cut her little bro's sandwich with the same knife she cut that kid's finger with. How unsanitary.7. Who's the guy in the poster on the main character's wall in the background? It's just awkward. He looks like he's waiting for something, like he needs a drink.8. Little bro: "Annie, where are you going? Annie, why do you wear black like you're going to rob a bank all the time? Annie, do you hate life?"9. This school is so empty, it's only these three kids, seriously.10. When you're escaping you must always plow through a bunch of people really fast.11. Annie's boyfriend is like welding and grinding shit in his work place and he's not wearing any hearing protection. He'd be so deaf by now.12. What's with the blue squares on the wall? What's that like, padding for where you're drunk going up and down the stairs?13. This girl's retarded, asking about his mom and his cool watch when they're trying to have sex.14. He gives the girl his plane ticket to London. He could've totally redeemed that shit.15. Annie goes and beats the fuck out of main guy. Bc that's not gonna land you even more time in jail.16. Instead of burying him, let's hide him in a sewer.17. I do not like how he's invisible to people, but he can- in his own little world- move shit and throw shit around... but then it just goes back to normal. That part just annoys me.18. Why was the truck honking if he can't even be seen? There's nothing for the truck to honk at.19. Lol, this music... "Can somebody save me? I'm in a sewwwer, in aaa seweeerr in the woooods, and it must be in a residential area near some houses and other buildings because they don't put random serwersss in the woooooods."20. Even Annie's little brother knows she's troubled. That's sad.21. "Whatever you did I don't want any part of it!" Well, no shit right? I mean, that's why you're kicking her out.22. Seriously, I'd only be half pissed if my friend got me into this whole half dead situation, but the second he breaks into my house and steals my money bc he thinks i"m dead, but I'm really not- I'd kill him.
23. I don't know why this main guy keeps throwing shit around even though it doesn't do anything; it just goes back to normal.24. Why can he only get animals attention? This is stupid I've always hated that concept of people thinking animals are special in that way and now they're trying to bring that through in a movie.25. Dude, she could never get away from all these cops surrounding her. I'd just cap her in the ankle or something. Even mace...26. I love how he's constantly talking out loud to himself.27. So you just throw out jewels to bouncers and they let you in their clubs?28. He's not mad at her anymore because he's just seen that she actually does have hair under that beanie?29. You can't just yell, "Stop the bus!" and they do it for you, what is she commander in chief of that bus?30. The school's not alarmed at all?31. No nudity? Why isn't he watching her shower? I wonder if his spirit can jack off.32. Normally, the cops would be watching the school to show if she shows up, that'd be the last place I'd try and hideout in.33. Does everybody just walk into his house?34. He's falling in love with the chick that nearly killed him. Wtf.35. Dartboard on the ceiling above your bed. NOT A GOOD IDEA.
36. She's playing with a bottle of sand that he's got in his room. He's thinkin', "Quit, that's my dad!"37. He's guiding her like a dog, "C'mon Annie! Good girl! Who's a good girl?"
38. They're already doing a memorial service at his school. He's only been gone like, 2 days.39. She's so quick and ninja-like. She leaves right when someone walks in and everybody knows she's wanted by police and yet they do nothing.40. That boyfriend or whatever of hers is trying waaaayyyy too hard to be Vin Diesel.
41. Pete looks like he's trying to OD on those little cinnamon candies.42. These kids really like positioning his body like Jesus.43. I don't know why the main guy is trying to move his body when he should know by now it doesn't work.44. Honestly, that body couldn't make it through all of the shit they're making it go through, and what does this damn only open up every couple of days? How does that work, he would have drowned and died already.45. His body makes it for 3 fucking days but as soon as it gets in the ambulance, shit goes downhill. Wtf. Overdramatic.46. This girl is the master of everything, even a getaway drifting speed racer.47. Even after she convinced his mom that she can hear him and the mom asks what she wants, the mom denies her request.48. She's wiping her bloody hands all over his clean hospital blanket.49. Wtf, she got shot on the outside left side, but when she walks she's squirting blood on the inside of the left foot.50. If I were the little bro in the end, I would have written something a little more insightful. All he put was "Hey Annie" Seriously. Oh, and nice bird shirt. Gay.
This film was pretty much a mash-up of Ghost and The O.C. Teen angst is teen angst whether it's DOA or MIA. The Invisible lives down to its name--this is a visually forgettable flick. Fail.
