Can I make a confession? I don’t really like Christmas.
Oh - I love advent; I love the build up and the anticipation of the season; I love the decorations and the lights; I love the excitement when you talk to people; I love parties and coffee mornings and the fact that for a whole month you have a ready made excuse to enjoy each other’s company, to simply celebrate at any moment; I love the treat food, the beautiful wrapping paper, I even love (some of) the music; I love the time set aside to remember Jesus’ birth, and the extra frisson of joy in the church meetings.
But Christmas itself.... well in truth it doesn’t live up to the hype.
Firstly there’s the stress of buying presents - for soooo many reasons.
1)It’s expensive - and we rarely have the money to buy the things we want for people. So we either get into debt, or we don’t buy the perfect present - or any present at all - and that’s depressing.
2) Instead of being a small gift, an expression of generosity and love and gratitude to those we love - it is a list of obligations and duties; you HAVE to buy for some people whether you like them or not; you have to buy presents even if they don’t need anything and you have no idea what they’d like. There has to be a gift under the tree, even if it’s the most banal, useless ‘present-for-the-sake-of-it’ gift that ever was. Because it’s about socially acceptable behaviour at the end of the day.
3) There’s the pressure of making sure you spend the right amount of money. Not too little - can’t be stingy - but not too much - that’s been cocky or splashing your cash around. And you really should try to match the value of the gift you will receive in exchange....
4) There’s the opposite problem as well - perhaps you can afford to buy that perfect gift, but the person you want to buy for is a bit strapped for cash at present. Now here’s your conumdrum. No matter how much you protest, if you buy that gift then your friend feels obliged to buy in return; now instead of a gift of love it is a burden to them that they must add you to a list the can’t afford. So now the greatest generosity you can show is to not buy them a present. How miserable!
5) Then there’s the British politeness in receiving gifts. We’re useless at it, really! The reason I buy gifts, is because I like to, and the thing I like the most is seeing the pleasure it brings the recipient. But in British culture it seems to be such a terribly rude thing to actually show such pleasure, to let slip through facial expression or word that you’re actually really chuffed that someone has given you a present. Last year when giving out gifts people would tuck them away quietly and pretend that it hadn’t happened. I might have got the odd polite thank you note after event. I even had one lovely friend turn around and say ‘you naughty girl, you shouldn’t have’ - and not with a cheeky wink either. Why can’t you just say ‘thank you!’ and smile? It felt quite demoralising to be called naughty. It felt like I had been robbed of the one thing I wanted - to see that I had made someone feel good.
6) Oh, and don’t get me started on Secret Santas! Such a nasty concept. I understand where it comes from, but I just don’t like them. Being told you are only allowed to buy for this one person - who invariably is the equivalent of Bob from Accounting who you’ve never talked to - you don’t know him, don’t know what he likes, and wouldn’t have been buying for him if it weren’t for the Secret Santa police. Then you’re not allowed to buy for those people who you would have liked to buy for. And to top it off, putting a budget on it - no going over £5....! Why? Because of this stupid notion of ‘fairness’ in gift giving. Look - if you want to buy a present for £5 and then I buy one for £50 - what’s the problem? It’s my choice! Does it make it ‘unfair’ that the gift you received was more expensive than the one you gave? Where does this notion come from? Why not say instead that people are under no obligation to buy an expensive present. Spend what you like - and if that is £1 or £10 then that’s up to you! I’ll let you into a secret - I don’t think I have ever kept to the budget on a Secret Santa...
I hate it. I really do. The essence of why we give gifts at all is lost. Generosity, love, gratitude for a year of friendship - hidden in a mass politics and social constrictions. Which is annoying, because I love to give gifts.
The other aspect of Christmas that leads me to the position of not being a Christmas fan is this - the ultimate way to enjoy myself is to spend time with my friends, with those I love. But at Christmas we are all supposed to see The Family. But what happens if you don’t get on with your family? Again due to social pressure you are forced to spend the day with people you don’t particularly get on with. It’s at best awkward or boring, at worst a World War in the brewing.
Steve & I took the decision the first year we were married that we would not spend Christmas day with either family - not get into the “whose turn is it this year?” battle between the in-laws. So Christmas Day is ours, just the two of us, to spend where we wish. Sounds nice, hey? But where we would wish to spend it is with our friends - and where are they? With their families of course! So in fact, Christmas Day is quite often just the two of us. I do love spending time with Steve, don’t read this wrong. But it means that Christmas Day is quite a quiet affair, dinner, followed by watching TV, chilling out till bed time. Which is pleasant; but as it’s something we do fairly regularly, it does feel just a little bit of an anti-climax after a month of build up!
(Before I get myself into too much hot water here, let me just say that there are some family members with whom I love to spend time, and indeed we spend a day with them every year. But Christmas Day they are invariably spending with their family too, just like the above mentioned friends. x)
Last year we spent a lovely day with friends, invited into their family to celebrate. And it was a wonderful day. In fact, I’d say it’s up there in the top 2 or 3 Christmases I’ve had in my adult life. It felt like - well, like what Christmas should be.
So I guess in summary what I should say is - I love the idea of Christmas. I love the Christmas that we read about in books and see in movies. I love the concept and the tradition. But I have realised that the day itself rather fails to live up to its publicity. It is stressful in the run up, quiet on the day, and stressful on the days following as we ‘do the rounds’ of family.
But here’s the crazy thing. Ever the optimist, every year - without fail - I still enjoy the build up and anticipation, and live with the expectation that this year will be The Year - when Christmas really is good. And perhaps it will be...
